Bennett and McConnell Family

Honor

2012-01-17T10:12:00.000-08:00

I feel happy, and I realize it’s because I’m breathing in the scent of fresh earth. I’m walking up to a landscaper, busy digging out weeds. I smile at him. I’m going to pass him again when I double back on my walk. I wonder what he thinks. Is it fair that he’s bent over the ground while I am free to go for a walk in the warm afternoon sun? As I near him the second time, I want to speak with him. If I tell him his artwork is looking nice, will it be patronizing? (Only patronizing because of the assumptions I’ve made of how he might feel about his work?)

I see him. I tell him, “It’s looking good!”

I think of my own grandfather. He wore the same clothes – lightweight blue cotton and a straw hat. He had dirt under his fingernails, too.

In my mind, I drop to my knees in front of the gardener. With hands at my heart, I say:
“I honor you. I honor your work. May you be blessed, and your children, and your children’s children.”

Amen.

The making of a party

2011-03-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

We've been getting ready for E's third birthday party this week. I'm so excited about it, heehee! It's a garden theme. For some reason, blogspot isn't letting me caption my photos right, so I'll just have to tell you about them, and then you can scroll down below.

We're making dirt pie with gummy worms. (See green pots with flowers. Flowers 50% off at Michael's, yeah! Walking in that store, btw, totally took me back to childhood, where I spent ages in party and craft shops with my teacher mother. I could have spent all night there.)

My very favorite part of this party: we're going to make caterpillars on clothespins. This was my fav craft as a kid. Isn't it funny the things we remember from being a kid?

Finally, I included some photos of the favor boxes, which I thought were so cute. I had a hard time deciding what to put in them. I chafe at the usual array of cheap plastic toys that end up just being *waste* - played with for 5 minutes, then into the trash. I ended up including a ball - these never go to waste! - stickers, and tying up a few choc chip cookies. It's not extravagant, but enough for 2 & 3 year olds!

Enough

2011-03-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

In this blog, I’ve mentioned my fight with sadness, made worse by an acute awareness of the pain and injustice present in this world and by the contrast of that with the omnipotent God of my childhood.

I’ve also mentioned that, as I was becoming a mother, a refrain of my soul was ‘I will lay down my weapons; I will fight no more’.

Something happened around the time that I turned 30, last November. My spirit whispered “done” in many different ways.

I don’t feel as sad as often. I’m better able to let the moments of happiness and contentment get bigger and last longer.

Nothing magical happened, I don’t think. Rather, it’s more like I’ve learned to dance. I’ve been practicing for a few years now. I’ve been learning steps, making them over and over, sometimes with tears, sometimes with laughter. I have made the dance steps so often now that I am beginning to know them by heart, and they replace my heart’s charge to war.

Mike gets nervous when I say something laudatory about him/us online. He says, and I think he’s largely right, that he often doubts what’s really going on when people gush about their amazing lives on Facebook. So, let me preface the following paragraphs with this confession: at 6am this morning, I sat up in the middle of our bed, frustrated that Emma had once again not slept well and woken up early, and half-yelled: “I can’t do this! I’m overwhelmed! I have too much to do!” All was not peaches-and-cream. But Mike told me he would take Emma (despite it being “my” morning) so that I could get some more sleep. His help reassured me, in the middle of a very important time with my work, that he takes me and what I want/need to accomplish seriously.

Being in a family has been incredibly healing. I thought it would be when Mike and I took that huge leap almost four years ago. But then there were times that it was really hard. I was still looking for perfection, of my self, of him, of us. How I released that is a topic for another post; the bottom line here is that I did/am doing so.

And in doing so, I feel like what I’ve experienced today makes everything ok. Maybe I won’t feel this way tomorrow, or even in an hour. But I do now, and for now, that’s enough. What I’ve experienced is this: I am a woman, loved and respected, with agency (the authority and ability to act) securely possessed in my self.

This is it. This is what I’ve been working towards all my teenage/adult life. In my striving to find help and answers for people who need it (read: myself), in all the hours I’ve spent with a Bible on my lap, I was seeking this place.

And here I am. For this, I bow deeply and say thank you thank you thank you thank you.

The “it” will not be the same for everyone. For me, this loving – but even more importantly, respectful - relationship was something I needed, not least because, amidst the hell women around the world face every day, I needed to know it was possible.

So, Emma, as your third birthday nears, this is the gift I give you, and it will be one of the most important I ever do: your mother was a woman beloved on this earth.

All the rest from here on out will be gravy.

***********************
Confession #2: After I wrote this yesterday afternoon, we had a stressful evening at home, as we worked to juggle major work deadlines with planning a party and getting ready to leave for a two week trip.

Mike and I argued. I’m not sure who is more wrong, he or I, or whether it matters. I felt mad as hell at him, and he wasn’t too happy with me, either.

And yet, I still ride a wave of grace. This is the exact lesson that is freeing me: that things can be both imperfect and ok. A little scary. But my chance at happiness, if ever there was one. I’ll take it.

Mmmm, yummy oatmeal

2010-12-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

I just bought some software that will convert my videos to a format I can use on my Mac, so now maybe I'll be posting some on the blog again!

These videos are from way back in the spring. They're of E's BFF Abbi. I'm posting them here a) b/c they're too big to send to her parents on email, and b) b/c Abbi's just too stinkin' cute.

2010-07-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I posted an entry about my struggles, both practically and abstractly, with what it means to have gained a few pounds recently. Concern over weight can be a very insidious thing, seemingly not a big deal – something over which we joke or lament with off-hand comments – yet consuming so much creative feminine energy.

I said what I needed to say, I said it in a vehement way, and I’m glad I did. And then I no longer needed it to be said, and I took the post down. Because it isn’t how I want someone to view me all of the time. The post was just one snapshot of how I feel. Mostly I feel so amazed and grateful because my views on food and eating exist in a space that is wider and free-er than that of many of my peers.

I should be content, though, to let the more painful moments simply be what they are, and I’m getting there. I’m still making my own peace with how I think about bodies and weight and women and their value.

This I know: making peace with our bodies is a big deal and has been for all of human history, from zealots self-flagellating to white middle- & upper-class girls starving themselves. A couple months ago, I realized that I had happened to post two weight-related articles to Twitter in one day, one about Americans’ desperate struggles against obesity, and the other about Mauritanians force-feeding their daughters to make them obese (and thus more attractive to potential suitors). The comparison of the extremes, and all the pain that accompanies them both, was striking.

So I carry a sense of empathetic grief, borne from my own historical grief, in my heart.

But I have to remind myself to be here, in the present chapter of my story. Here, now, there is no one in my life whose love and approval I need who will withhold it, much less withhold it based on what I weigh. And I am no longer a teenager whose disordered eating was a raging symptom of a family about to fall apart, the cracks in a wall whose foundation was crumbling. I have found my voice, and I know how to use it if something in my life hurts and needs to change.

**********

And now, onto something entirely more fun: Emma videos! Maybe I'll get back into uploading these regularly!

E goes to preschool, June 21, 2010, 2 yrs, 2 mos old

E sings a song, July 16, 2010, 2 yrs, 3 mos old

2010-04-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

This week, I was copying files to an external hard drive and came across videos Sara, my sister, and I had taken when we went to Rome for New Year's 2006. Sara also came over to London the following Christmas.

I'm so glad we had a chance to do fun traveling together while we were both young and single, but my best memories aren't of seeing the pope in Rome (though we did, and that makes TWO popes I have seen in real-life. I saw Pope John Paul II when I was in Rome in 2003) or of our sight-seeing in the UK. I remember our goofing off and watching TV together, and going shopping for Christmas dinner (salmon and potatoes) at Marks & Spencer's, and Sara subsequently spilling dinner on the street on the way home. Ok, rather a baguette fell out of her shopping bag, but for some reason, it was really funny at the time.

We have shows that defined the trips, as well. The first trip, it was the Office, watched on my brand new iPod. The second trip, it was the sixth season of the West Wing at my bosses' house in Notting Hill, which they had graciously lent us while they were out of town. Everything, and I mean everything, shuts down in London at Christmastime, so we literally spent days watching the WW. AND we watched Thelma and Louise, and may I quote my little sister's response when Thelma and Louise drive off the cliff at the end: ""They'll never make it to Mexico!""

My innocent baby sister, I love you and I'm so glad we're friends!!

Welcome, 2010!!

2010-01-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

Since moving to San Diego, I've had a great time getting to know Sharsti, a woman that was in the same grad program as Mike, and her husband Caleb and daughter Abbi. Abbi's 14 months old and as tall as Emma (sorry, E, your 5'2" mom held you back. You still have awesome legs). We always have a great time with their family, not least because they're easy, laid-back parents in the sense that they will not unduly freak out if your child is still in the process of learning to share or likes to kiss full-mouth with lots of germs, etc.

Abbi and fam came over for New Year's Eve, and the girls had a blast together. I think they are becoming BFF, for sure. They were up way past their normal bedtimes, and that combined with the general excitement and bellies full of pizza propelled them to run laps around our house. For the record, yes, the loud squeal you will hear is indeed my child. Where does she get that high-pitched voice........

Laundry: I still hate it. And other thoughts on balance.

2009-12-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned the last time I wrote, my time to blog has been eaten up by My Real Column at Examiner.com. I still think about blogging, though, and often, when I have an epiphany or frustration about mothering or life in general, I muse, "That should go in the blog." At this point, I have quite a mental backlog of blog entries.

And time is, mainly, what I want to write about in this entry.

When Emma was very little, say the first three months, I did nothing but her. I didn't answer emails, I didn't push my self to go out, I just did Emma. I am SO glad that was my focus. I wouldn't want to have a baby any other way. I am immensely grateful that E was born in a time and place where that was possible.

The more E grew, the bigger both of our worlds became. Now, as she is 20 months (what?!), it serves neither her nor me for her to be my only focus.

But finding the balance of focusing on Emma and exploring my own interests is very difficult.

Even as I write this, I realize that part of the difficulty is that managing our home is, in my mind at least, wrapped up with caring for E. Cycling laundry through at a reasonable rate, cleaning floors and bathrooms, organizing closets and toys, all of these are things I want to do so that E feels comfortable and at ease in our home, and learns to respect both possessions and her self. (“I deserve to live in a pleasant, clean environment. I am responsible for making a positive contribution to maintain and nurture that environment.”)

But you know what, I really hate doing the laundry. I’ve talked about this before, and I know I was all Zen and “I want to learn from my laundry”, but I still find it incredibly boring and tedious.

I’m currently reading a book, The Feminine Mystique, by Betty Friedan, which is a seminal work often credited with beginning the second wave of feminism. Actually, I’ve been reading it for about three months. Like I said, I’m short on time. Anyway, Friedan puts forth the idea that the liberation of white women was made possible by the servitude of brown women, i.e., the women of non-white ethnicity who came in as nannies and maids while the white, educated, liberal women went to work. (I can’t remember if this is Friedan’s idea or she’s citing someone else, and I can’t find the book, which I think I left at the salon. Hmm, leaving my feminist book at the hair salon; isn’t that a metaphor.)

While I don’t know all the supporting statistics, in theory this makes sense, although I think there must have been at least an equal amount of white, liberal (in the sense of moving into non-traditional roles) women who simply took on more work.

The point is, someone has to do the laundry.

Last month, Mike and I decided to take E out of the daycare that she attended one day a week because of some concerns we had about the attentiveness of one of the staff members. As we anticipate the new year with less freelance work than I’d like coming in, we’ve decided to keep her out of daycare in an effort to conserve our funds. This leaves me even less time to do the laundry and, more importantly, less time for my introvert self to recharge my batteries with alone time and to adequately research to write my Examiner column that, however modest a medium, I still want to do well.

On the other hand, necessity is the mother of invention, and I’ve begun taking advantage of the lovely patio of the YMCA coffee shop to sit and read articles and books in research for the Examiner column, while E has fun at the Y play care. (Why didn’t I think of that before??) I’ve also begun downloading news podcasts onto my iPod, so I can catch up on news while taking E for a walk in the stroller.

Additionally, I keep in mind something Mike has repeated to me several times: “All families look different. We’ll find a way to make it work”, an assurance that there is always a way to make our family fit all of its members’ most important needs. This weekend, he helped with E while I ran errands, caught up on some sleep, and researched in preparation for a phone interview this evening.

So I’m not in despair, but I do still feel guilty knowing that at least once tomorrow my mind will be elsewhere when E is pulling on my leg. I make a conscious effort to be present with her, to bend down and look in her eyes when she indicates she needs my attention. I don’t always succeed.

I make an effort to close the computer – with its constant beckoning of news and emails – when she is awake, but then I am haunted by the knowledge (or perception?) that to be truly successful in writing about the things I want to write about, I need to stay on top of current events and be accessible to colleagues.

As we negotiate my work and Emma, I watch her to see if/how she is affected. This I know: that I have made it a priority to be available to her. Nothing matters as much as her having the attention that she needs. At the same time, I want her to see a happy, fulfilled mother. I have to take my need for engagement seriously, so that she’ll take her needs seriously, too.

As for laundry, I do still believe it has something to teach me. It must. I will not try to cover up that I find it achingly monotonous, but I will keep going back to the saying: “Before I became enlightened, I chopped wood and carried water. After I became enlightened, I chopped wood and carried water.” Tomorrow when I’m putting away the load that is right now in the dryer, I may not feel so positive about it. But I’ll keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to some kernel of enlightenment. I’ll let you know how it goes.

The Q girls visit

2009-10-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

Picking Sara & Sophie up at the airport.

Sophie was right away enchanted with her "big girl" cousin!
Ain't nothin' better 'an naked babies! (When my sister visits, my Southernness comes out.)

The Day of the Stitches (bum bum bummm)

We were having a lovely day at the park.

Sophie looking for E.

And then, E tripped and took a spill down a couple of stairs. Blood was pouring onto her shirt, and at first I thought she might have bitten her lip or cheek. Then I realized she had a gash on the bottom of her chin. She was VERY upset when I subsequently started packing her up to leave the park, way more worried about leaving than about her chin! I wasn't sure what to do. She was still bleeding, which seems like an obvious sign that we should leave, but a dad at the park went to get a first aid kit from his car. By the time he came back, the bleeding had pretty much stopped, and I was finally getting a chance to look at E's chin without her flailing about. In the meantime, she continued having fun. Our adventurer!

And, yes, she has no shirt on. Because her shirt was now covered in blood. Crazy kid.

Sophie loved the swing.

Showing "Baby," as E called Sophie, how it's done.

Wheee!

My sweet Sophie!

E & S were so cute together, truly like big/little sister. S would follow E around, and E would act like she was too cool for school... but not too cool to give S lots of hugs and kisses. When she wanted to.

First time I'd taken E to a fast food restaurant! Weird, huh! I guess we really don't do fast food very often.

Those eyes! It is like I'm sitting with Mike mini-me.

Sara's definitely sitting with Joe mini-me! If you don't know Sara & Joe, take my word for it, S looks JUST like her daddy.

E did, as usual, a great job at eating lunch, and ate more chicken than waffle fries, which is good. They were both well behaved :)

It kinda looks like she's upset, but I think she was laughing and making a face.

Yes, they're in matching dresses. And for the record, I'm wearing Sara's clothes here and she's wearing mine. I love having a sister!

Eating dinner at home.

Happy girls!

E looooves to put on socks. Doesn't matter whose they are. This is one of my workout socks. Apparently only one foot was feeling athletic.

Waiting at the doctor's office to get the stitches out. You can just make out E's fingers at the top of the stroller and her eyes peeping through the back. I think she and Soph were trying to make their escape without us noticing.

Plan foiled!
Look at S's face - just along for the ride. I swear, she'd probably do anything her cousin asked her to! I foresee this being trouble later.....

E's chin, btw, is doing better!

E found my necklace and put it on herself. Don't hate her because she's BE-A-UTIFUL.

It's not easy being this glamorous, darling.

I have a few more to put up, but that's it for now! We had such a good time with the Quesenberry ladies: THANK YOU for making the flights! We know it wasn't easy travelling! We love you XOXO

2009-09-30T01:38:00.000-07:00

This is another Grandma/Nanny video: only Rita & my mom will want to watch it all the way through (and maybe our Aunt Darlene)! But, it shows how good E's getting at exploring 'how to eat,' i.e., using cups, utensils, etc.

We've never had a problem with E being super messy, but I do sometimes ask myself, "Hmm, I wonder if I should stop her from doing that?" I tend to err on the side of letting her explore, figuring that experiencing textures of food and consequences of action ("when I pour this on myself, I get wet") is a good thing. And I try to keep in mind that I have to let her be age appropriate - what I let her do at 17 months I don't have to let her do at 2 years! So that said, here is E and The Glass of Milk.

(Question: is it just me, or does it drive you crazy how Blogspot's photo uploading system is all wonky? These are out of order, and it seemd way too hard to put them in the right place.)

I know I say this every post, but I think where we live is just gorgeous.
This was the view from the park today.

"Hey, Mom!"
Sweetest Baby in the World.

The next few photos are some of my favs from the past couple of weeks.
Yesterday, I started putting out some of the fall decor; notice the figurines on the bookcase.

And here's E wrapping her figurine in a blanket, haha! She does this all the time. One night this week, I look over, and she has about five toys lined up, and is wrapping them up in a blanket, one by one. I feel like I'm a good mom when I see her 'taking care' of her 'babies'!

And now it's bear's turn.

I dressed her in new fall clothes, and of course she couldn't wait to get down from the changing table and see the girl in the mirror!

She looks so grown up!!

E in her party dress; on our way to Hugh & Katrina's to celebrate Katrina defending for her PhD.

They're good friends of Mike's. Hugh and Mike are collaborating on the grant that Mike's been working on the past couple of months (and which is nearly done, thank God!! It's been an all-hands-on-deck effort this past week!)
This is a view from UCSD graduate housing (where Katrina lives). Craziness, huh?! Yeah, that's the Pacific, not just sky. Sometimes it's hard to tell; they melt into each other.

Another E eating shot: she's figured out drinking the milk from her cereal bowl. I laughed the first time I saw this, as neither of us taught this to her (or at least not on purpose). It made me think of my parents; apparently my dad gave my mom a hard time the first time he saw her do this. Sluuurp! We all know there's nothing better than cereal milk!

2009-09-27T21:59:00.001-07:00

If you're wondering why I've been MIA for awhile, look over to the right, just below the About Me blurb: it's my new blog/column as the Philanthropy Examiner for Examiner.com! You can join the Facebook page for my column by clicking on that box (or you should be able to, if it's working correctly. If not, click here to join!) (If you're not on FB and still want to check out my column, here it is.) I've been working hard researching for articles and getting my writing on.

It feels great (although nerve-racking) to have an expectation that I'll be consistently writing. Obviously, what's great is that I'm not in a contract, so I can give my self/our family space to do more or less. However, that does not mean that the voice in my head, that Do Your Best! voice, is quiet. It doesn't matter if anyone notices or whether I'm getting paid, I want to do my very best. Learning what my best means in the context of being part of a family - this organism that needs my care and attention - is new. Difficult. What I always wanted.

I'm very glad to have Mike, because I admire how he juggles his demanding job and his commitment to us. Not that he's perfect - and neither am I - but he helps me figure out how to do life. And he's been very supportive and very encouraging of my new endeavor.

As I've mentioned before, that's that I believe feminism is about: that a woman's contribution to the family is equally respected and valued. So far, after hours and hours of work, I have made, wait, let me double-check.... $3.14. (I get paid according to the amount of traffic, time readers spend on my column, etc. It's going to take a little while to get the money coming!) Yet, it is a good opportunity for me as a "stay at home" mom, and it is valued by my husband. And one day it will be more than $3.14.

So that's what I've been doing. I've been debating whether I should keep up this blog, as most of you are on FB anyway and see E's photos there, but I know I'll still need to write mommy thoughts, so I think I'll still be around.

In fact, I have some good videos to upload. Coming soon.

Happy Labor Day!

2009-09-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

Our Labor Day was pretty much like every other day, since Mike had to work (see previous post about the looming grant application deadline...) However, E and I did celebrate by making Welcome Fall cupcakes - the Ghirardelli chocolate cake I made a couple months ago with a new peanut butter frosting recipe! FYI: I bought these cute cupcake/muffin paper holders that had pumpkins, leaves, etc. printed on them. When I lifted them off the plate after the cupcakes were done cooling, I saw that some of the color from the paper had come off on the plate - which means they must have done the same thing to the inside of the cupcake! If you care about such things, as I do, you might want to avoid those! Oh well, they're still cute, and I don't think it'll kill us.

E helping by licking the batter.
She was eating lunch when I started baking, and I had her seat turned towards me. She started saying "more!" and motioning that she wanted something. I couldn't figure out what it was, though, until I realized I had just got the beaters out. There wasn't even anything on them, but she was thinking ahead...

And our second celebrating was the Changing of the Wreath!
Please excuse my sweaty workout top in this one. I had just walked in the door from a heated yoga class. Which, btw, I LOVE. It's not as hot as bikram yoga, but still toasty. To me, the heat is awesome because 1) it warms up my muscles way quicker, so I can stretch more deeply, and 2) the heat makes me focus more on my breath, as if my mind wanders, it starts thinking about how hot it is, which reminds me to go back to breathing!

Anyway, sorry my shirt's so gross, but E looks adorable!

2009-09-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

The next few photos are some of my favorites ever. Emma was eating sorbet and frozen berries and was really going to town - she was covered in it! Of course, I got out the camera. She looked so serious in the first pic, so I told her, "Give me a smile!" and the next photo shows her response.... what a ham! That is the one thing that has surprised me most about kids' development - not just E's, but her cousin Sophie's, as well - how early they develop a sense of humor.

When she saw that I was cracking up, she put on a whole show....

Another mealtime face. I'm putting this one up b/c I think it looks like such a Mike face.

"Mommy, can I get down now, please?!"

E has totally gotten into crayons and pens. And her Buddha belly makes a perfect canvas, obviously.
You may also notice the crayon marks on her high chair. She did that while I was talking on Skype to my sister. Sneaky, sneaky.

Today we all took a much-needed day off (Mike has been working like a madman on a grant application) and headed up to Temecula, where there's several wineries. We ended up at Wilson Creek, which was billed as the family-friendly winery. Playground at a winery? We're in!
(Despite what you might think if you've seen the movie Sideways - or never been around wineries - it's not just people getting sloshed! There were lots of kids there, and it was lovely to have a glass of vino in the sun. Ok, so it was really hot, and we sat in the shade mostly, but still.)

E made friends with an adorable girl, Grace, who's 2. Lucky for us, Grace had cool parents that Mike and I had fun talking with, too.

These girls were seriously made to be friends. They're both lovers, literally falling over each other to give kisses and hugs, and very tough, not minding when said falling occurred. E loves to kiss so much, and it's always a little awkward when I can tell the other parent is super germ-phobic. Thank goodness for other "eh, whatever!" parents! I mean, I'm aware of germs, too, but there's only so much you can do!

Grace coming to find E.

Hello, friend!

2009-08-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

We've had some great days over the last week. On Friday, Emma and I took a long walk to downtown Del Mar (it's only a couple miles away, but that gets rather long pushing a stroller uphill) to get our San Diego County library cards! I was really happy to find that they have a great kids' room. In addition to books, they have a nice selection of DVDs and great Melissa & Doug puzzles for kids to play with. We went again today, and E had a good time. She won't sit still to actually read a book at the library, though she will at home, so I think there are just too many new things that capture her attention. And not wanting to sit still and read does not in any way prohibit her from freely picking books from the shelf. We're working on that!

Both times there have been other kids there, as well, and I love watching E interact with them. The first time, it was a 4- and a 5-year-old girl. They adored E and kept trying to pick her up and make her sit on their laps, haha! E can take care of herself, so I didn't worry about it. They also helped her with some of the toys, so she indulged them by giving them some kisses. Today, there was a boy about age 6 playing on a computer. E kept bringing him books and toys, as if inviting him to play. I'm glad she's friendly - and confident!

Outside the library, taking a look at our finds.

I immediately thought of how different the above photo looks from E's first library trip just over a year ago, haha!:

I took this photo just to brag about what an awesome place we live in! It's hard to see, but between those trees to the left, you can see the ocean. Downtown Del Mar is such a wonderful part of our lives! It makes the crazy high rent worth it.

Our next fun event was E's first time at church. There's a lot of back story to this one, which I don't have the energy to go into tonight. For now, suffice it to say that I decided to try a Unitarian Universalist church. Palomar UU was the second one I went to, and I think I've fallen in love.

I checked out the nursery during my first Sunday, went to an "intro" tea last week, and brought E with me this past Sunday. The nursery coordinator is Mr. Bob. Yeah, I was a little surprised to walk in and find an older man running the nursery. While I am very careful about whomever I leave E with, my 'mama antenna' go on full alert when it comes to the men that are around E.

I was assured, though, as Bob sat and talked with me for as long as I had questions. And I have to say, I love Mr. Bob! I think E does, too.

I got to the church a few mintues early so E could have a look at the nursery beforehand (kids are in the main service for the first part). When it was time to drop her off, I carried her to the nursery, sat her down, and off she went, without so much as a look back! I was so glad she was happy! When I arrived to pick E up after the service, Bob was out there playing with the kids, actively engaging with them.

Like I said, I'll have more to say later about that topic. In the meantime, if you don't know much about UU (I didn't until last year), you might find this website interesting: http://www.famousuus.com/

Finally, catching a Cardinals v. Padres game at Petco Park on Sunday.

Poor baby girl's cheeks were pink from the heat, but we kept her well hydrated and used about half a bottle of sunblock. She had a great time playing in the sandlot at the park (brilliant to have for kids!) and climbing the stairs. Keeping up with her made me feel like I was running stadiums during high school track practice!

Attention Department of Health & Human Services!

2009-08-25T21:59:00.001-07:00

Numerous academics, scientists, and policy wonks, among others, have raised concern that health issues that disproportionately affect women have been neglected in research funding. Many people have worked to correct this, and I daresay it is an ongoing battle.

Now I would like to propose a field of study that desperately needs attention: the illogical, unpredictable weight of postpartum women.

Exhibit A: A few weeks ago, I fit into a pair of shorts I had bought right before I got pregnant. Here is a photo of the shorts being worn to the ballgame on Sunday.

And here they are the last time I had worn them previously, when I was about 2-1/2 months pregnant. (Look how slender my face looks. Do you think my face will permanently be fuller now, or will it go back to "normal" sometime before E goes to college?)

When these shorts finally fit, I weighed exactly the same as I did at the beginning of the summer, when the shorts did not fit. Which was also, incidentally, the same amount I weighed about 6 weeks after I gave birth. Yes, that is right, I effortlessly lost all but five pounds of pregnancy weight in less than two months. Only to stagnate and suffer as I wear my jeans that “fit” but oh, not like they used to…..

Exhibit B: When E finally started logging some serious, consistent sleep at the beginning of this year, my trips to the gym became more frequent. I kicked it up another notch about three weeks ago, adding a Pilates class and (for the first time in two years!) strength training to my routine.

I have since gained two pounds.

How does this happen? I know, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, so in the initial phase of increased activity, one may see a slight weight gain. However, I also know that, however noble my intentions, my Pilates class isn’t building that much muscle yet. (I’m the youngest person in the class by about 30 years. It’s basically Pilates Lite, and the old man next to me still has better form than I do.)

Somebody should look into this.

2009-08-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have a bunch of fun photos from the last few days, but I don't have the energy to get them up tonight. But, here's a video of us hanging out with E. When the video goes dark at the beginning, don't worry, that's just her giving the camera a kiss. A biiiig kiss. You'll also notice in the body part pointing game, she has the most trouble with the ears. For some reason, that's always the one that takes a couple tries... :) I'm not sure if it's that she's unsure or that she just doesn't find ears all that interesting.

Oh, and I totally realize how long it is and may be a Grandma/Nanny-only video, ha!

Also, E has recently taken to launching herself off her chair onto the couch. Please don't be afraid to invite us to your home; we don't let her jump over all furniture, just that special spot!

2009-08-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

There's a vase of cloth flowers by E's crib, and she often asks to hold one (or five...) when she wakes up from a nap.

Then she marches back and forth with her flower!

Wearing her new sneakers.

The next photos are from when my mom was here a few weeks ago.

The artist in her special smock.

Getting ready to go to the pool with Nanny.

Such a water baby!

Breakfast time

She doesn't usually eat dinner in her nightgown, but she needed a bath after pool time, so we went ahead and got her ready for bed, too.

E loooves cous cous, and can ask for it!

We had to put the talking Elmo away, b/c E started carrying him everywhere and playing with him constantly. She would bring him and a diaper to us for us to 'change' him, ha! By the time he got hidden in the closet, he was the Talking Hunchback Elmo, bent over from one too many spills! But don't worry, we bought E a small, flexible Elmo instead.

The new Elmo wanted to go for a swing.

The more the merrier!

Nanny spent a lot of time pushing E on the swing, and E would often get as many stuffed toys and dolls as she could hold to join the fun. Doesn't she look so content!

2009-08-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

E recently went to the birthday party of some friends' 3-year-old son, Parker. Mike knew Tracey, Parker's mom, from NC State, and I think maybe he knew Scott, Tracey's husband/Parker's dad, through some science connection (both Scott & Tracey work in science-related jobs, if I'm not mistaken). I am telling you, the science world is this crazy little family; everyone knows everyone else and is connected in some way. Or at least that's how it seems to me coming from the outside.

Anyway, so that's how we know them. Sadly, I was sick the day of the party and wasn't able to go. When I saw these pics that Mike took, my already-burgeoning desire for E and I to get plugged into a "group" here in SD grew. There weren't a lot of photos of E playing with other kids, which was strange to me because she is such a social girl. I realized, though, that she doesn't really know any of these kids. I want her to have a group of kids that she does know and can play with on a regular basis!

She does go to daycare every Wednesday, so that gives her a routine of interaction. And don't get me wrong, E & I get out a lot. Rarely does a day go by that we don't go to the park, the beach, take a long walk, play at the Y, etc. But we need friends! I need mommy friends!

I'm continuing to contemplate this need... in the meantime, pics of E at the party!

She looks so grown up in this one. Note the Elmo chair behind her. Only a matter of time til....

..... "I think Elmo would like to go outside."
E is constantly picking things - large things - up and carrying them somewhere else.
And she loves to play with shoes, which becomes somewhat awkward when your daughter is attempting to chew on another kid's crocs.

By the way, my mom made the dress E's wearing here. She and my sister are beginning a children's clothing line. I've seen some of the samples, and they're adorable. I'll keep you posted!

Emma & Elmo uncut

2009-07-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

(Finally got the video working; it's a longer version of the one on FB.)

Apologies for being slow in posting lately. The first week my mom was here, Mike was away for a work conference; I didn't want to broadcast that fact over the internet! Then, the day after he got back, we left for a few days in Santa Barbara to celebrate our second anniversary (woop!) Now I have so many pictures to post and stories to tell from our fun-filled two weeks that I feel too overwhelmed to start!

For now, here's a video from dinner this evening. Emma is feeding Elmo. You'll also hear Mike ask her if it's hot. E has started saying "hot," and what cracks Mike & me up is that she says it exactly like I do: I've always said it with great gusto, in an effort to make her understand the sentiment even though she couldn't yet understand the word. Anyway, when Mike asks her if it's hot, she blows on it! Ha, she's so smart! (I know I say that in every post.)

Finally, pics

2009-07-31T20:03:00.000-07:00

Some belated photos of the past couple of weeks....

Mike and I went to Santa Barbara for a few days for our second anniversary. It was great to be alone together - and to come back home to the best baby girl ever.

Mmm, my mouth waters every time I look at this pic. This was a cinnamon honey soy latte, and it was divine.

One of my all-time fav pics of Mike.
and of us!
Overlooking the city from the courthouse

Hotel where we stayed

Having my mom in town for two weeks was such a blessing. She's like a nanny, cook, maid, massage therapist, and friend, all rolled into one. Our first week, during which Mike was away in NY, was actually rather hectic as we tried to clean, reorganize, and add some decor to the apt.

Here's Mom demonstrating Magic Eraser. It is seriously magic, folks. We had several large scuffs on our walls, and it lifted them right off. It's like a sponge that you lightly wet, then use to rub out the stain. Was so much easier than trying to touch up with paint, which was my idea!

Tada!

Our biggest adventure was The Table (bum bum bummmm).
I bought it for $30 off craigslist. It had some scratches on the tabletop, so I whipped out Mike's sander to refinish it.

Step Two: wipe with tacky cloth.

Step Three: "Holy crap, that's the wrong color."

Steps Four & Five included another trip to Home Depot and RESANDING it. That's right, sanding it again. And it takes a couple hours to do. Btw, yes, wood conditioner before the finish is absolutely necessary. Too bad the Home Depot helper didn't think to mention that the first time. The finish was all blotchy, which turned out to be alright as it was the wrong color anyway, but it made it a lot harder to sand the second time. At least the second color of finish I bought was the right one!

Finally done! It's a very simple table, but I love it. And I love having more space!
We made a lot of other changes, too. I'm still waiting on some decor I've ordered; once it's all finished, I'll put up pics.

E loves her nanny. She can say Nanny now!

This is so a Mike face. Not that Mike makes faces when he gets upset, but if he did, this is what it would look like.

Daddy's back!

And the souvenir he brought E: stuffed neurons. Hahaha! Such a nerd! I love it.

On the way to the zoo. With Elmo. And a balloon. E throws a fit (metaphorically speaking. So far.) when she sees a balloon.

Exploring the new elephant exhibit.

Balls are just like balloons. She can spot them from a mile away AND WANTS IT SO BAD. She immediately spotted this one inside the polar bear 'lake,' ha!

This is E's Austin (her cousin) face.

I bought three small bird figures to put up on her wall. She was dying to hold one of them. When she gets real antsy about something, she starts moving & twisting her arms and hands, as you can see in this pic.

"I love you, little bird. I will hold you forever. Or until my mommy makes me give you back."

I have something to say!

2009-07-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law sent me this video, and I LOVE it! I especially love how sweet towards and encouraging of her the little girl's parents are. E has started making these same sounds (though not so many of them!), which reminded me of this great clip.

All the Wild Horses

2009-07-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

When Mike and I first started emailing after meeting at the airport, I told him that I sometimes dreamed of living out west. I would teach at a local college. I’d have a chocolate lab named Vonnegut, drive an old blue truck (the kind Salma Hayek had in Fools Rush In), and wear too much turquoise jewelry.

God only knows where this idea came from. At that point, the furthest west I’d been was Missouri.

What made me think about this was an image that popped into my head tonight, as I was rocking Emma. Our usual routine when I put her to bed (her dad often does it) is bath, books, then I sing, then we rock in the quietness as she drifts to sleep. I like that time. Sometimes I use it to think about the day; sometimes I just enjoy the lulling motion. Tonight, I thought about wanting a place in the country, about rocking on my front porch at dusk, the crickets in the grass, a light shifting through the screen door. I’m sipping fresh water from a Mason jar; I am peaceful and wise and all is well with my soul.

I think these images, seemingly unattached from my “real” life, are not necessarily insignificant. Both images speak to me of freedom, wildness in non-conformity, and being at peace with my self. Obviously this is subjective. I don’t see that there is anything particularly non-conformist about turquoise jewelry or Mason jars or chocolate labs (though perhaps there is about a lab named Vonnegut…) Which is even better. It means that my soul speaks to me in my own unique language, in words or pictures that I understand. The longer I ponder each element of the images, the more I begin to see clearly the meaning of them all, how they represent my soul to me.

It is my own version of speaking in tongues, a language transcending intellectual reason by descending to my heart and comforting me with what it finds there.

Earlier this week, I was trying to think of new songs to sing to E at night. I need gentle lullabies with lyrics short enough to remember! Ray LaMontagne’s “All the Wild Horses” came to mind:
All the wild horses
All the wild horses
Tethered with tears in their eyes
May no man's touch ever tame you
May no man's reigns ever chain you
And may no man's weight ever defrayed your soul
And as for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away
As for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away

I think that’s the song I’m singing while driving in my truck on dirt roads and humming in the still twilight on my front porch.

The One-Piece

2009-07-29T21:58:00.000-07:00

For our anniversary, Mike bought me a swimsuit (in addition to our Santa Barbara getaway!). Well, I picked it out, and he paid for it. I have not had a swimsuit, other than an ill-advised, poor-fitting one I bought on sale at Target when I was frantic to find one in October for E’s swimming class, since before I found out I was pregnant. That was summer 2007, when I was spending two months back in the US. I was to be doing research for PhD programs, and I planned on spending a lot of afternoons reading at one of my favorite places on earth: the “Blue Hole”, where one can lie on rocks in the middle of the Ocoee River in Tennessee. I had ordered a blue bikini. After moving to Boston and being (wonderfully!) surprised by Emma, I returned it.

Well, having a baby is like having reverse plastic surgery. My boobs are smaller, and my hips are bigger. I haven’t had boobs this small since I was 12. Just ask my sister, who, during her last visit, so kindly pointed out my shrinking chest.

This is what they don’t tell you about breastfeeding. I remember specifically asking about it in our breastfeeding class. Now I don’t care if I had been told that nursing would cause my boobs to shrivel up and fall off, I still would have breastfed. I just wanted to know what to expect. The instructor replied, Noooo, breastfeeding neeever makes your boobs wonky. In fact, it’s good for them!

She either had miracle genes or was smoking crack.

In any case, the point being that I bought a one-piece. And I haven’t worn a one-piece since I was 18, about the same time I started listening to secular music every once in awhile. (Note I didn’t actually buy secular music at this time. I believe the first non-Christmas, non-classical secular CD I owned was given to me by a boyfriend during my freshman year. It was Brian McKnight. We had danced (or for you Lee alum, "creatively moved") to his song “One” at Sadie Hawkins. Ah, young love. Ahem.)

And thus life has come full-circle.

"Now I'm the mommy."

2009-07-14T23:42:00.000-07:00

My mom's in town = free babysitter = date night!! Mike and I went to this place in Del Mar that had been recommended to by a couple that E & I met at the park one day. They were on their way to lunch to celebrate their fortieth wedding anniversary (actually, I can't remember if it was their fortieth or even longer, but you get the idea) and stopped in the park where E and I like to hang out and started admiring and talking to E because, as you know, she's a rock star.

We also went to see Away We Go, which was really good. It made me cry. But in a good way. (Is that something only women can understand? Crying can be so cathartic.) If you're a West Wing fan, as we are, you will especially crack up seeing Allison Janney's character. So completely different from her WW persona - shows just what a great actress she is! (Same goes for her role in Juno.)

E's started "mothering" her toys. Here she is with her doll, who is apparently wearing a makeshift tiara.

Giving the doll a paci.

And here she is pushing Elmo in the swing. Seriously, she did this herself.

Daddy strapping Elmo in so he doesn't get hurt.

Today Mom discovered E trying to put a diaper on Elmo. Who knew he wasn't potty trained.

PS This is a little shout-out to my Aunt Darlene: I'm sorry we haven't been able to connect. I hope we can talk soon! Wish you were here with us!

Salk pic-a-nic

2009-07-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

On Friday there was a company picnic at the Salk.

And she's off... this photo was taken approximately 25 seconds after E & I arrived (spot her with Daddy in the middle background of the photo - she was apparently in a hurry to get to the kids' games).

E gets just hysterically excited whenever she sees balloons, which she refers to as "balls". She was IN HEAVEN when we let her play with these.

"Whew, I've really worked up a thirst."

Let me give mad props to Mike, who was the main one chasing after her all afternoon. He even went into the bouncy house with her so she could have fun without getting trampled by bigger kids. You're a cool dad! Also: Rita, we got a lot of compliments on her dress!

Yesterday I was working during E's nap, so I had my glasses on when I came to get her up after her nap. She just had to try them on. Too funny.

You look very smart and proper, Ms. Bennett-McConnell.

Checking herself out. Love that precious smile.

Fourth of July

2009-07-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

I love the Fourth of July. I love my country; I love hamburgers and potato salad; I love fireworks. What holiday could be better? Well, Christmas. But other than that, none. We were planning on going to a friend's house for a BBQ on Saturday night. We were all ready. E had on her cute summer dress. I had on eyeliner AND mascara. Then Emma started feeling warm. Really warm. Turns out 102 degrees warm! Thankfully, we got her fever down with tylenol, but obviously we ended up staying home. It had been a long day anyway, and Mike and I ended up going to bed, wait for it, before 8:00!! We were exhausted!

(The below picture is a dramatic reenactment.)

Oh well! At least we got some rest, and E is feeling better.

Sweet girl.

E hugging her shoes - yes, her shoes - as she smiles at the girl in the mirror.

PS I was recently doing some research on attachment theory and came across this interesting list of signs of healthy attachment. One is: "Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in the mirror." I love this! E looks in the mirror all the time, and I just knew it was a good thing for her development, even though I didn't think of it in attachment terms. But it makes sense!

Stole a bite of the Saturday morning bagel Dad brought for Mom!

Yummmm.

E and Daddy asking for "more." E's started saying "mo'" when she's eating and will put her hand out and move it back and forth.

2009-07-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

Oh the things we parents do to get our kids to laugh. Here's Mike goofing off for Emma. Let me say this video does not even capture the best of her laugh. It is truly the sweetest, funnest, bestest laugh EVER.

Kids and Cars Safety

2009-07-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

Last week I turned on the TV, something I rarely do during the day (who has time with a toddler??), and Oprah happened to be on. I sat there literally bawling my eyes out as Oprah’s guest told of how her two-year-old had died after being left in the car in the August sun for over eight hours. The mother said she literally just forgot that her daughter was in the car.
After watching the show, I got online to do some research, as I wanted to know how often this happens and how realistic it is that you could “forget” your baby in the car. I was stunned by how many dozens of stories there are of parents – good parents who cared about their kids and were upstanding members of their communities – who had done the same thing as the Oprah guest.

I am not one given to mass panic and am particularly wary of being a nervous parent and of giving out unsolicited advice (about which I wrote just a few weeks ago*), but because I was so absolutely oblivious to how frequently this happened, I figure others might be, as well.

Please read this great website: www.kidsandcars.org and consider sending it to your friends. They also link to an excellent piece in the Washington Post: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/27/AR2009022701549.html?sid=ST2009030602446.

The common theme of the Post article and of the online research I did was parents who were particularly busy and/or had changed their routine and forgot to drop their child off for the day. It seems one of the best precautions is to be mindful of the risks of our busy lives and talk in advance about what precautions we can take. Although Mike and I don’t have to drop Emma off on our way to work, we did discuss what we would do in that scenario, such as calling the other one to make sure they dropped her off and setting our phone alarm as a reminder.

The Kids & Cars website has other reminders about car safety (which I know I needed to be updated on!), as well.

*And about that blog I wrote a few weeks ago: I received a lot of comments from other moms about it. As I admitted then, I think my biggest problem is very likely that I need to be less defensive about being a good mom. I know I am a good mother, so it probably doesn’t really matter what a stranger in Target thinks (or what I think a stranger in Target thinks). On the other hand, I DO still feel that there’s a lot of unnecessary pressure on and judgment of moms. I hope this post doesn’t come across as judgmental, as I don’t feel judgmental; I feel heartbroken at the reality of our humanity, that we sometimes make mistakes. And the process of hearing about and personally ‘working through’ the devastation that a child dying in a hot car could even happen does make me more sensitive to how moms can want to offer advice. Heck, I have to restrain myself from going door to door warning, “Make sure you didn’t leave your kid in the car today!”…..

"Who loves you?"

2009-06-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

Mike has taught E to say "Dad" in response to "Who loves you?" As you can tell from this video, she has learned it very well!

June 30, almost 15 months

Flashback - Emma's learning to walk

2009-06-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

I was going through our Flip and found some old videos. I can't believe how young E looks in the videos, and how big she is now (tear, tear!)

Here she is learning to walk at Grandma & Grandpa's over Christmas. (She took her first unassisted step at their house on Dec. 24.)

Dec. 26, 8 1/2 months old

2009-06-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, E's sleeping got a little wonky. She was waking up in the middle of the night at least once, often twice, and staying awake for about an hour. She didn't want to play; she just wanted me (and ONLY ME) to hold her. I'd rock her and rock her and she'd be sound asleep, but the second I put her in the crib, she would scream (she even got ahead of me and started screaming the moment I got up from the rocker).

Here's what I think happened: the night waking started with a bit of a cold and happened to coincide with a) a natural progression in her understanding of attachment/separation from me, and b) having had a lot of visitors. Don't get me wrong, E enjoyed all the extra socializing, but I think she was starting to need a little extra attention (understandably), especially with sweet Sophie being here. E was very kind and usually gentle with Sophie, but of course she needed extra reassuring, too. (Which let me say my sister was SO understanding of. She wouldn't let Sophie sit on E's special pink chair because she said she wanted E to know that some things were still "just hers"! What a good aunt!)

At any rate, all those factors gelled together to equal one not-sleeping baby. Of course, being very aware that it might be an attachment thing, I spent a lot of extra time holding her during the day (er, in the moments I could catch her sitting still, that is), and rocked and rocked and rocked that baby at night!

It did start to wear on Mike and I, though. And this is how I know: Last week, I got my hair cut. I was all excited because I have an AMAZING and (relatively) AFFORDABLE hair stylist (cue Hallelujah Chorus). But very very sadly, my hair looked ghastly all week. We're talking stringy, frizzy hair just like in those first few postpartum months when I was convinced that my preggo and birthing hormones had sucked the curls right out of my hair forever. Then one day I'm in the shower and, reaching for the "conditioner," it dawns on me that I had gotten my shampoo and conditioner mixed up. And had been doing so ALL WEEK LONG.

Reminds me of when E was a newborn, and I once left the OJ in the cabinet next to the canned goods.

No fear: my hair is back to its curly prepartum self (but with an even better haircut!) and E is mostly back to regular sleeping.

We had some friends, Courtney and Scott, over last Sunday night, and here's photos of Baby E:

My favorite one first.
E does this all the time, patting her head. It started as a gesture whenever she bumped her head.

Now I'm going to eat a slice of lemon I found on Mom's plate. mmmm.

You may remember my qualms about pacificers. Well E's interest in them exploded when Sophie was here. Poor S, E was always trying to steal her pacis! I figured she was doing so well handling another baby in the house, I need not begrudge her a paci.
Loves to lounge.

Courtney took this photo; I hope she doesn't mind me stealing it.
Still can't believe this is our neighborhood view. I (heart) San Diego!

Make room for me, that I may live

2009-06-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I wrote that I am reading Martha Beck’s The Four Day Win. The book is ostensibly about losing weight, but its holistic approach lends itself more broadly to what I would call “self-care.” One of Beck’s key points is, and I am paraphrasing here, that we should learn what makes us happy besides food.

She suggests an exercise to help do this. It’s likely to sound rather loosey-goosey to some people, but I tend to like psychobabble, so I found it intriguing. She instructs you to have a written conversation with your self. With your dominant hand, you ask the question. With your nondominant hand, you answer. The point is to access the half of your bicameral brain where, as Beck puts it, “synthesis, connection, and imagination reside.” I have done some research on sand play, a Jungian therapeutic tool which also incorporates the use of the nondominant hand, so I was familiar with this idea of using the nondominant hand to connect with parts of one’s self that might normally be less accessible.

One of the first times I tried this, I asked my self, as Beck suggests, what would make me feel better that day. My left hand responded, “to read.” “Read what?,” I asked. “Poetry.” “Any specific kind of poetry?” “Yes, Adrienne Rich.”

Immediately, I had a personal epiphany. A poetess like Adrienne Rich is comforting, because she grieves, like I do, and for many of the same reasons I do.

Like the prophet Jeremiah, I have felt (perhaps rather self-righteously) that, “I sat not in the assembly of those who make merry, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone because… [I was] filled with indignation.”

But I’m not alone. Others have been and are indignant. Others also serve as witnesses, not only of my own pain, but of the pain of the whole human experience.

John Nash, the Nobel Prize-winning mathematician who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression, said that so-called mental illnesses might really be the mind on strike, protesting its environment. And you have to admit, the world can be one hell of an environment. (My original source for this, which seems to no longer be available, was an article by Dr. David Neubauer at http://health.yahoo.com/experts/depression/8207/john-nash-and-a-beautiful-mind-on-strike.)

In Fates Worse than Death, Kurt Vonnegut described a book he was trying to write, which was to be called SS Psychiatrist: “This was about an MD who had been psychoanalyzed, and he was stationed at Auschwitz. His job was to treat the depression of those members of the staff who did not like what they were doing there. Talk therapy was all he or anybody had to offer back then… My point was, and maybe I can make it today without having to finish that book, that workers in the field of mental health at various times in different parts of the world must find themselves asked to make healthy people happier in cultures and societies which have gone insane.”

Thus Vonnegut proves yet again that he is my soulmate. I’ve often been very, very sad. And angry. It seems appropriate. Have you read a history book?

But then there’s this: “Let justice run down like waters and righteousness as a mighty and ever-flowing stream.”

This: “Blessed be the Lord, Who bears our burdens and carries us day by day.”

This: “For your waste and desolate places and your land, once the scene of destruction, surely now in coming years will be too narrow to accommodate the population, and those who once swallowed you up will be far away. The children of your bereavement, born during your captivity, shall say in your ears, The place is too narrow for me; make room for me, that I may live.”

And this:
What beauty!

I have spent a lot of years trying to figure out what makes certain people happy. Why they don’t feel the urge, as I do, to echo Vonnegut’s exclamation of injustice: “I never asked to be born in the first place!” With virtually no exception, they will point to the kind of beauty described above – the hope of faith or the awesomeness of nature – as something that makes the pain all right, or worth it.

I have always found my self becoming defensive at this answer. To let such things make me happy seemed to be an unforgivable betrayal of my self, not to mention of people like Chief Joseph or Elie Weisel or my Rwandan friend who watched his parents and seven siblings chopped to death with machetes or any number of others.

I have clung relentlessly to grief, feeling (childishly) that I had to cling ever more tightly because I was the only one in the whole world that would remember, that would honor, that would witness and grieve.

Again, I am not. Reading someone like Adrienne Rich is a comfort that allows me to loosen my raging grip. It frees me to be present with what Is. Not even weighing the bad against the good, or the shame against the beauty, an exercise that would condemn me to sadness forever, as there are no scales adequate to measure the value of either.

Relieved by others’ awareness, I am able to open my heart to happiness.

Whether this makes me skinnier remains to be seen, but it sure makes me feel better.

2009-06-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

The poem that introduced me to Adrienne Rich, in high school. It's one of her more famous ones.

XIII (Dedications) from An Atlas of the Difficult World

I know you are reading this poem
late, before leaving your office
of the one intense yellow lamp-spot and the darkening window
in the lassitude of a building faded to quiet
long after rush-hour. I know you are reading this poem
standing up in a bookstore far from the ocean
on a gray day of early spring, faint flakes driven
across the plain’s enormous spaces around you.
I know you are reading this poem
in a room where too much has happened for you to bear
where the bedclothes lie in stagnant coils on the bed
and the open valise speaks of flight
but you cannot leave yet. I know you are reading this poem
as the underground train loses momentum and before running
up the stairs
toward a new kind of love
your life has never allowed.
I know you are reading this poem by the light
of the television screen where soundless images jerk and slide
while you wait for the newscast from the Intifada.
I know you are reading this poem in a waiting-room
of eyes met and unmeeting, of identity with strangers.
I know you are reading this poem by fluorescent light
in the boredom and fatigue of the young who are counted out,
count themselves out, at too early an age. I know
you are reading this poem through your failing sight, the thick
lens enlarging these letters beyond all meaning yet you read on
because even the alphabet is precious.
I know you are reading this poem as you pace beside the stove
warming milk, a crying child on your shoulder, a book in your
hand
because life is short and you too are thirsty.
I know you are reading this poem which is not your language
guessing at some words while others keep you reading
and I want to know which words they are.
I know you are reading this poem listening for something, torn
between bitterness and hope
turning back once again to the task you cannot refuse.
I know you are reading this poem because there is nothing
else left to read
there where you have landed, stripped as you are.

2009-06-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

A few photos of sunset at the Salk, where Mike works. At a certain time of the year, the sunset lines up exactly with the 'trough' you see running down the middle of the photo below. We thought it was the summer solstice, so Mike went down there Sunday night to take pics. Turns out it's another night - you'll have to ask Mike about it. In any case, shows what a gorgeous place the Salk is!

I've read lots of parenting books, particularly attachment parent-y type books, that give great ideas of things you can do with your new baby, like take her to museums in the afternoon, get a spa pedicure whilst sipping champagne and eating chocolate-covered strawberries, and... oh wait, maybe I made that last part up. But seriously, when E was still a little nursing baby, I was doing good to brush my teeth every day (note I didn't say every morning; oh no, if teethbrushing occurred at any point within a 24-hour period, we were doing well). Going to a museum might as well have been going to the moon.

Perhaps it is appropriate then that when E and I did finally have an afternoon at the museum - nearly 15 months later - it was to the Space & Air Museum! Here's E next to a model of, er, I forget the technical term, but of something that was on Apollo. (Ok, so I'm not very technically inclined. It was still pretty cool, esp. when we got to the parts that discussed the role of new aero technology in WWI & II.) As you can see, E liked to look around.

Shaking hands with Charles Lindbergh in front of the Spirit of St. Louis!

E running around outside the sports museum (there are a bunch of museums all inside Balboa Park). Cool 'sculpture', huh!

I forgot to put the brake on the stroller, so E took it for a spin.

This discovery made my day...

2009-06-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

... Trader Joe's extra lean ground beef.

Mike's birthday weekend

2009-06-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

We didn't get many good pics of Mike's birthday party yesterday afternoon - but we had a good time!

Mike blowing out the candle on his *homemade* cheesecake :)

Sundays are my favorite days... today we went to the beach. Mike went surfing with Pat, a friend from Boston who is in town for the weekend.

Sweet E's baby head by Daddy's. Eating breakfast burritos.

Happy girl!

Hang ten, California girl!!

She's a natural.

Baby girl worn out on the way home.

2009-06-10T21:39:00.000-07:00

My sister posted some more great pics from her time in SD. You can find the photo link on her blog.

Here are a few of Mike & E on Soledad Mountain. Love these! E looooves her daddy; it's such fun watching them together.

This one's my favorite.

PS The people have spoken, and the captions stay on top of the photos. Sorry, Mike!

2009-06-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

A Pet Peeve
Emma is fourteen months old. E has been walking since she was 9-1/2 months old. Having observed her with children her age and older, I can say unreservedly that she can walk, climb, crawl, and generally navigate her way around/up/over/down/through better than average. Like, way better than average. This doesn't mean that she's Einstein, it just means that she's caught on quick, and in a few years she and her peers will all be caught up with each other. (What does make her Einstein is her huge brain and fabulous genes. HA! I jest!)

So, when we go to the store, she sometimes gets antsy and stands up in the cart. It really isn't a big deal. I am a careful mother, and, while I am constantly aware of what she is doing at any given moment - in that way that only mothers can be - I also know that E actually has a fairly good sense of balance. NO, that doesn't mean I pay less attention, but it also means that I'm not freaking out when she stands up.

However, that doesn't prevent other people from freaking out. I will be standing not six inches away from my child, and someone else will tell her to sit down or make a comment, as if I didn't realize she was standing up. In the rare case that I'm not immediately next to her, it's because I'm doing something like loading my stuff onto the checkout counter and am still within arm's reach.

The worst incident was this older couple that were walking by and said how cute E was. She then started to stand up, and the woman got in her face and said, "No standing up in the cart! Shame on you!" Oh sweet Lord, I am amazed at the self-control I demonstrated in that moment. I very calmly said, "No. We don't say those kind of things." and walked away.

Which is the whole point of what annoys me. I don't want to be a frantically reactive parent, a nervous mother who causes my child to panic. Yes, I am fully aware of the seriousness of a child putting her self in a dangerous position; yes, I take it seriously. But you know what, I'm also aware of the limitations of a 14-month old. If I can't calmly and patiently work with her to teach her to sit still in a cart, then I shouldn't take her shopping. Which would be a real loss, because then she'd grow up never having learned appropriate behavior.

Sadly, stranger intrusion isn't limited to babies cart-surfing. Yesterday, we were standing in the horrendously long line at the Post Office, and E, who was quickly approaching nap time, was getting a little fussy. I.e., trying like Houdini to climb out of her stroller. A woman behind us was nice enough to talk to E to entertain her, and we exchanged pleasantries, and I mentioned that E was ready for a nap. At which point the woman said, "Oh yeah, moms always try to just get one more thing in when they should just quit while they're ahead." Then, she turns to E and says, "Mommies need to learn to not do too much, don't they?" And, I am not kidding, she repeated this like four times.

Which drove me crazy, because I am SOOOO careful to be sensitive to E. In fact, that's why we were even in the PO that day, finally mailing my sister-in-law a package I had promised her two weeks before, but had not mailed exactly because I had tried not to squeeze too much into our hectic weeks of visitors.

It's probably likely that this woman did not mean to sound as critical as it came across, and I don't want to be so defensive. At the same time, you know, mothers just can't win. You'll have some people making you feel bad for not being supermom and others telling you off for hauling your kid around while running errands. Some will look condescendingly on your choice to "stay home" with your children and others will look on in superiority to your choice to pursue an outside career. Some will be appalled by your choice to formula feed and others will be offended when you nurse in public.

Women, mothers, let us learn grace. Let us learn graciousness. Let us recognize that every mother, EVERY mother, makes choices. Many of them very difficult. Let us strive to respect those choices.

*****

The Deep Thoughts That My Pet Peeve Lead Me to Consider

(Not to be confused with these Deep Thoughts, which always make me laugh so hard I almost pee in my pants.)

This respecting of choices (in general, not just of mothers' choices) is a balancing act, I believe. I want to be gracious, yet I also don't want to lose my child-like intuition.

In Where the Heart Is, a movie I highly recommend, Ashley Judd's character dates a man who ends up attacking her children. When discussing it with her friend, Judd's character says, "He was lookin' for women like me, who are alone with children, and women who are stupid. And [the kids] saw through him. They could tell he was evil. And all I saw was a Buick."

(I know that when I am guilty of judging people, it's because in the past I saw a lot of Buicks. I saw a lot of men holding Bibles in their hands while emotionally and spiritually stifling the life out of their wives and children.)

Children intuitively pick up on good and "evil". Unfortunately, children are often trained not to see such things, to turn off their inner knowing.

For me, it took many years to again tune in to my knowing.

But when I finally did, I clung to it like my life depended on listening to that still voice inside, which it did in a sense.

However, this process of "re-knowing" also perpetuated black-and-white thinking. A situation or a person was wrong. Period.

This isn't really healthy, either. Life isn't black and white.

My challenge, then, is to listen ever respectfully to the voice inside, yet also keep my heart open to the possibility that I could be wrong, that each person walks their own path.

But even this isn't a absolute principle. If E ever felt uncomfortable around a person, she would not have to around that person, end of discussion.

*****

The bottom line is this: I have in my consciousness this desire to see truth. Yet, I am learning that there are all kinds of truth, different situations in which truth is more or less fundamental or concrete. Parenting is one of those situations, though of course there are elements of parenting that are more clear-cut. Thus, inspired in part by the insane, pulling-in-opposite-directions demands that I have felt as a mother, I want to strive to be less defensive, to be more gracious and understanding of others. I hope to begin being the change that I wish to see in the world.

Survey

2009-06-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

For my faithful readers, now is your time to stand up and be counted: I have had some feedback that it is difficult to read the photo descriptions, as I put them above the photos. If you have a strong opinion about this, now is your chance to let me know.
Other opinions about the blog also welcome. But only nice opinions.

More fun with Aunt Sara & Sophie

2009-06-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

Daddy preparing Emma to carry her own bag on our next hike.

At the beach
Wiggly Emma
We wore them out.
(Look how gorgeous and long E's legs are! Those are her daddy's (or Aunt Susie's)... not her 5'2" mama's.)
In the San Diego Zoo parking lot... E's just itching to get out of the car and get the day started.

Trying to get a better look at the meerkats.Chillin' out with grapes (don't worry, they're cut up) and juice.

Ha. In case you can't tell, Sara and I are posing, though Sara gives it away with her hand out holding the stroller... (obviously you would otherwise totally be tricked and think we were two construction men. ahem.) (And no, I'm not sure why they have cut-outs of construction men in the middle of an animal exhibit.)

Looking at elephants.

Yes, they are wearing matching outfits. Hee hee.

I cannot tell you how much I LOVE this photo!! It is a joyful growl, not an upset one, btw.

Typical E, one shoe off...

Pretty one-shoe girl.

Sleeping Sophie. (If you're wondering why E & S look so different, it's because S looks IDENTICAL to her father, Joe! I call her Joe Baby. It's a good thing he's handsome :)

Our first trip to the zoo was the first weekend we were in San Diego, over five (!) months ago. It is amazing how much more E can recognize/interact with the world around her.

This has got to be the longest turtle neck I've ever seen.

"I will kiss your sweet baby fingers."

"And now I will squeeze your sweet, chubby baby legs."

Just this past week, E has started sticking her hand out whenever she passes something in reaching distance. This is my second-favorite photo from today; reminds me of Michaelangelo... reaching out to touch God around her.

Sara and Sophie arrive in Cali

2009-05-29T22:15:00.000-07:00

My sister Sara and her sweet sweet baby Sophie flew in today!!!! HOORAY!

Beautiful Sara with the babies.

E kissed S about a million times in the first 5 minutes of her visit. Honestly, I didn't expect too much of seeing them together, as they're still so young, but they really did seem to light up with each other.
And... E found Sophie's bow and wanted to put it on... This is a big joke in this family, as southern Sophie always has a cute bow in, but we (esp. Mike!) aren't as much in favor of bows for E (though I think they look darling on Sophie) (we used to joke that if Sara sent E bows, Mike would send Sophie tattoo stickers, haha) Well, turns out Emma LOVED the bow. Kept it in until we finally took it off.
Here she's showing it off to her friend in the mirror.

With Aunt Sissy

My sister and I are very close, and we hope our babies will be, too!

While eating dinner tonight, I happened to glance over and saw E "feeding" Elmo a bottle. Too sweet! I'm glad she's so kind with babies and even her stuffed friends.

Diets

2009-05-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

Losing “baby weight” is a big topic for moms. When I was pregnant, I predicted that losing weight would not be a problem, but toning would be. And I was right. I have just a couple extra pounds hanging around, but those 120ish pounds look very different now than they did pre-baby.

At one point a couple of months ago when I was feeling frustrated, most likely not primarily about my body, but hey, let’s fix what we can, I actually researched and started thinking about trying the Nutri-system program.

I’m really anti-dieting, or rather, I’m very pro REAL FOOD. I believe real food is better for me not just physically, but emotionally and (because I’m in some ways a hippie, for lack of a better word) spiritually, as well. Which is synergistically and cyclically linked with the physical.

Give me a full-fat, real chocolate, real sugar, homemade cake over fat-free or low-fat sweets every time. It tastes better and I intuitively believe it’s better for my body. Interestingly, turns out at least one smart person agrees with my intuition.

So that’s my “principle,” and, whilst contemplating Nutri-system, it led me to ask questions like, Would I want my daughter to see me on a “diet”?; What might this teach Emma about attitudes towards food?; Would it teach her anything specific about women’s attitudes towards food, particularly if I were to eat something different from the family every night?

In “principle,” I think the answers to those questions might not be ideal. On the other hand, I am learning as a mom that ideal isn’t, or doesn’t have to be, inflexible. Ideals can serve as guideposts as you make decisions; ideals can also berate you and leave you feeling like a failure, depending on how you use them. In short, if Nutri-system would help me - if I, a mere human after all, would be encouraged by this program - if it would meet a need, then I should use it.

In the end, I decided it wasn’t for me. The idea of a more holistic approach to food is too important to me. I enjoy so much more food with fewer ingredients, as opposed to more processed, packaged food.

A few weeks after thinking about all this, I came across an article by Martha Beck in O Magazine. In it, Beck talks about a just-in-time mentality, where, if I may paraphrase, one trusts that the resources to meet one’s needs will always be there, just in time. This is opposed to a just-in-case mentality, which involves hoarding things, including food, out of fear that there won't be enough later. Even if you’re not literally hoarding food, if you are afraid of not having enough – and “not enough” is the message your brain’s getting when you go on many types of diets – your body, in its quest for survival, may try to hang onto the food that it has. I.e., get fat to have enough for later.

The idea of these opposing mentalities captured my attention, as it describes well how I want to dare to live my life. I then ordered Beck’s book, The Four-Day Win: End your diet war and achieve thinner peace. (Yeah, I know, the last phrase is a little cheesy.) Not because I was in a diet war, which I am not, but because I wanted to learn more about her ideas on finding food freedom and peace. Because I find it interesting and because I want to live at peace in all areas of my life.

When I was teenager struggling to dig my self out of anorexia – and digging is an appropriate description, as it was a grave – I was stunned by the vast number of stories I came across of women who think about food all day long. Smart, successful women whose creativity is taxed by… what’s for dinner. I made a promise to my self that I would not do that; I would not be content to have internal tapes of the caloric content of food and what I ate that day and what I was going to eat the next day incessantly playing in my head. This is another reason I tend to be anti-diet, as diets often provide the soundtrack for such internal tapes.

So far I’ve found Beck’s suggestions very helpful, not just as they relate to food, but to overall health. Beck herself says that her ideas are perfectly compatible with more traditional diets, such as Nutri-system or Jenny Craig or whatever.

For me, the concentration on tools like meditation help bring me back to and enforce things I already know. I’m happy to be moving forward in health in my life overall, which in turn will (at least in theory) help my body find its optimum fitness, as well.

Black-eyed peas

2009-05-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

Beck’s book has also caused me to recommit to only eating foods that I really, really enjoy. When you have a young baby, it’s hard to plan meals and grocery shop in advance. Or at least it was for me. The result is that I’d often end up eating whatever I could find in the house, whether I particularly liked it or not!

But now I have the time and patience to be more strategic. I want my family to eat good, wholesome food that nourishes both our bodies and our souls, so to speak. At any rate, I started making a list of all the good food I truly love: salmon, mint, basil, whole grain baguettes, avocado, the list goes on and on. These foods are typically also more expensive than mediocre or junk food! However, this past week I proved that buying what I love can be cost-effective. For example, one of my favorites is mozzarella and tomatoes drizzled with a light pesto. For a $4 ball of mozz and $3 of tomatoes, I made two lunches for myself, one for both me and Mike, and a side for dinner. Then I breaded the leftover tomatoes and sautéed them to eat with black-eyed peas and cornbread (another two favs) for dinner last night.

*****

And speaking of how food can be more than nutrients for our physical body, black-eyed peas are supposed to be a symbol of good luck. I have been lucky in my life in that I have never had to experience the untimely death of someone close to me. I am stunned that I’ve been so fortunate.
However, the person who made The Best Black-Eyed Peas in the World, my grandmother, Lena Bennett, has passed on. Her death was, indirectly, responsible for me and Mike meeting. My grandfather had died a couple years before, quickly, in the middle of his farm, the kind of way I’d like to go. So my grandmother’s death was something with which we could all be at peace; she was going home. But every so often I wish that I could see her again, first because she would just fall in love with Emma. And second because I’d really like to ask her how she made her black-eyed peas taste so good.

Visit from Aunt Susie & Mike

2009-05-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

Mike's sister Susie and her boyfriend, Mike (yeah, that gets confusing!), were in town this past w/end, and we have some fun pics from their time here.

But first.....
I am in love with my crockpot. My mom bought it for me when she was here last month, and I use it all the time. You throw a bunch of stuff in and voila! dinner! Here I made minestrone soup from scratch; it was very yummy. I'm going to start updating my recipe blog again, as I've come across some really good ones lately as I've been trying to plan monthly meal menus (to save money and the daily stress of 'what's for dinner').

And onto the fun photos.

E opening gifts from Aunt Susie.

Elmo guitar!
Dresses that cousin Anna picked out for E.

E's got a pimp ride.

Our first ballgame as a family!
It was a fun day and reminded us of waaaay back when.....

....Mike and I were just getting together. This is when I went to Boston for a meeting for a PhD program, and Mike and I spent the week hanging out. It happened to be his bday that week, and we went to a Red Sox game. Wow, we had no idea what we were getting into!! :)

With Aunt Susie and Mike.

Monkey girl.

Chillin' in the patio chair Aunt Susie gave E for her bday.

The Monizes came over for dinner Sunday night.
Adam, Mike, & Suz.

Is Maxx not too cute?! He's such a sweet & fun boy.

E got a package from Nanny & decided to carry it up the stairs.

Muscles!

Giving the pig a hug.
Mike says this is evidence that E likes bacon (I don't eat pork & Mike's always trying to convert me). I'm not so sure.

E's first day at new daycare

2009-05-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

The next three photos are part of a series, entitled, "I Don't Want to Wear My Sweater."

Such a classic photo of E on the run! I was trying to get a snap of the cute back of her shirt.

This was after she came home from daycare. Explanation re. the sad scab on her nose in the next post...

Sunday afternoon at Balboa Park & misc.

2009-05-09T13:40:00.000-07:00

You may notice the scab on E's nose & forehead... on her first day at daycare, she came home with her first big boo-boo, from a trip on the playground. She is officially initiated into Big Kid Play. I was so sad to see her perfect little face with a scab, but she seems to have taken it well.

She's loving her new forward carseat that Grandma & Grandpa bought her! (And YES I did see the new recommendations that the AAP JUST released, after we had bought this carseat, that children should remain in rear-facing seats until age two. Unfortunately they still have the old recommendations up on the main section for car seats. Grrrr. If anyone reading this has not yet bought their one year old a forward facer, you should buy a rear facing seat that can convert to a forward facer.)

Chasing birds

Apparently it's more fun to carry your shoes than to wear them.

Baby on a mission. With shoes still in hand.

Big girl sippy cup and big girl chair.

E sits up straight and pays close attention when Baby Einstein's on.

Getting ready for afternoon with Daddy at the aquarium.

Making cookies with Mom

2009-05-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

E is a VERY hands-on helper.
Notice the flour mustache.

Yum!

Emma stories, since I haven't posted in awhile

2009-05-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

We are having a great time here in San Diego. I say this because, let's face it, as wonderful and miraculous and special as the first year of a baby's life is, it is tough work. I don't know that I'd call fretting over naps or waking up every two hours in the middle of the night a "great time," although I am glad to have been able to invest that kind of energy and to have experienced the benefits of such focused attention.

Last night I asked Mike, "How in the world did we ever make it through the first ten months of Emma's life?" To which he responded, "Well, we have an amazing ability to adapt and persist." To which I responded by bursting out laughing (he was being slightly tongue-in-cheek anyway). Ohhh, whew, that was a good one! I would have called it "an ability to hang on by the skin of our teeth."

Maybe - probably? - that's because the month of moving while starting a new job (teaching my online class) after having travelled and our whole family getting sick was so intense and difficult that it's the last impression I have of that Emma-as-a-baby time.

In any case, things are getting much easier, and Emma continues to be the Most Fun Little Being I've ever had the privilege of hanging out with. So here's two E stories that I really love.

E started going to daycare one day a week recently. She loooves being around other kids and playing. The day we visited the school, I literally had to pry her fingers off the playground fence! She wanted so badly to stay and play!

When I picked her up from her first day at daycare, her teacher told me that E went around kissing every single boy and girl in the school. Haha! At least it's a much better report than being told she was biting everybody...

Another thing E does frequently is clap. It's funny, because she almost always does it at appropriate times, like if she hears someone say, good job, or even if the intonation of their voice is communicating praise. Last weekend, E came into the kitchen wanting something and, as she has started doing to indicate what she wants, she bobbed her head in the direction of whatever it was she was after. In return I broke out in a little dance, bobbing my head and hair around and just being goofy in general. When I stopped, she clapped for me, ha!

It was for me absolutely one of the most precious moments in motherhood so far. I think it's because I so want to teach Emma to be "free" with, i.e., not self-conscious of, her body, and I love that she would applaud such a demonstration. Second, it felt like an interaction between us. Not just me doing or giving to her, but her giving to me. Not that I want her to give to me necessarily, but I am so happy to see her wanting to be part of a team, wanting to participate in the joy of relationships.

So we must have done something right during those first ten months. On the other hand, E might just have an incredibly awesome personality that was able to survive any mistakes we made. I think it's probably a combination of both.

2009-05-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

Every day I get to hang out with this hot guy in this beautiful place.
It's not a bad life.

Love E's "Wow!" face

Nanny: "Emma and I are going to color Easter pictures."

Mom: "With those liquid paint filled sticks??"

Nanny: "Yes; oh don't worry, they won't make a mess."

And one purple painted baby later.... Never trust a Nanny.
(Ha! J/k, I love my mom's creativity/willingness to let children play; it's one of the best things about having her as a mom.)
E discovered her diaper champ, which I was washing out on our back patio.

This is what I discover she's been up to.

"Look what I did! Did you know mulch floats?!"

The end product, with a plastic egg thrown in for good measure.

E's had a renewed interest in sunglasses; she'll bring them to us to put on her.

Superstar!

Getting ready for gym class at the Y.

E recently initiated eating with a fork.

National Day of Prayer

2009-05-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

“Spirituality,” for lack of a better word, has been immensely important to me since, well, forever. That word doesn’t quite get at what I mean. My personal favorite description of That is in Hebrews 4:13, “Him with Whom we have to do.” “Him” is, of course, just as easily called Her or, again my personal favorite, which I once read in a book, the Infinite Radiant Is.

So what I mean to say is the Infinite Radiant Is with Whom We Have to Do has been immensely important to me since forever.

Now, as a parent, I have the knowledge that my Doing with the Is provides Emma’s first – and therefore the one most likely to be etched into her brain forever – example of the most intimate dance of one’s life.

Onto my point for today: President Obama will not be publicly observing the National Day of Prayer tomorrow; instead, he is signing a proclamation and praying privately, “as he does every day,” WH press secretary Robert Gibbs stated.

Wendy Wright, president of Concerned Women for America, responded, “For those of us who have our doubts about Obama's faith, no, we did not expect him to have the service. But as president, he should put his own lack of faith aside and live up to the office."
(see http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/may/06/prayer-day-no-show/)

I believe in the valuable and nearly unparalleled ability of religion/spirituality to foster community. I am all for meeting regularly with other people who are Doing with the Is.

But requiring a public show to validate one’s faith is a whole other matter.

Take care not to do your good deeds publicly or before men, in order to be seen by them…. Also when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by people. Truly I tell you, they have their reward in full already. But when you pray, go into your most private room, and, closing the door, pray to your Father, Who is in secret…
~from Matthew 6

Perhaps Wendy Wright and others who feel the need to question someone’s faith when they don’t show up to a prayer meeting need to get “back to the Bible” and rethink the National Day of Prayer altogether.

It's official....

2009-04-17T09:34:00.001-07:00

.... Emma is Too Heavy To Carry Around Anymore. I have long bemoaned how the process not only of having a baby but also of caring for a baby throws your body really out of whack. I have aches in places I've never had before, like the inside of my hip, or the middle of my shoulder blades. The left side of my body, the side on which I regularly tote 20+ lbs - and not just tote, but hustle, climb stairs with, etc. - is demonstrably stronger than my right side. I know just enough about myology and kinesiology to know this is not good.

Now don't get me wrong, E would be more than happy to walk on her own. The only problem is that trying to get her to walk with me, or heck, even in the same general direction, is like trying to herd a cat. And if her chosen path does happen to coincide with the direction in which we need to head, we only travel at a rate of about 3 feet per 7 minutes, as she needs to stop and look at every flower, lick a couple of rocks, wave to people walking by, etc. Which is really fun and lovely if you have nowhere to go, and I definitely take opportunities for E to explore without any time constraints. However, when we're trying to make our appointment at the Y play care, or running to the store for groceries, I seem to have no choice but to scoop her up.

I have decided that the time has come that she either needs to learn to walk with me when needed or must learn how to give chiropractic adjustments.

Moms Living Clean

2009-04-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

For anyone like me who thinks our prison system is not only largely ineffective but often utterly inhumane, particularly for women, check out Moms Living Clean, where you can see a documentary trailer : http://momslivingclean.org/moms/index.htm

At the beach

2009-04-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

Playing with Nanny

This is one strong baby girl - this was a huge rock!

E's first tea party

2009-04-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

My mom flew in on Monday and is staying with us for a week.
Emma's Nanny bought her a tea set, and E had her first tea party!

Whenever E has something new, she has to show it to her friend in the mirror.

Sweet Sophia Grace

My youngest niece is just over three months old, and she is the cutest, sweetest, fluffiest :) little baby. I had to share this photo! Apparently, whenever she gets upset or excited, she gets her little leg going like Thumper, haha! I am so sad that I don't get to see her more.

You can click on my link to the Q Family to see more of beautiful Sophie.

Hanging out with Grandma & Grandpa

2009-04-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

E had a great time with Mike's parents. They kept her for several hours on Thurs and Fri so that I could run errands like go to the doctors, get stuff for the party, and go to the salon (woohoo). It was so nice to be able to get some things done while knowing that E was having fun back home, being loved on by her grandparents.

Grandma brought E her wind-up duck.

I LOVE the below picture. (Mike gets up with E in the morning, and he says it's E's quietest time of the day, just the two of them sitting on the couch, watching Sesame Street.)

E loves looking at the pretty girl in the mirror. Ha!
Grandma and Grandpa came with us to E's Y class. (Poor Gary is never in photos b/c he's the photographer.)

2009-04-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

At long last, photos of Emma's birthday! We had such a good weekend with her.

Coming down on E's bday morning.

Looovely morning hair, Mom.

Grandma bought E strawberry cake. We tried to demonstrate how to blow out the candle so she'd know how to do it at her party the next day...

Dig right in!

Grandma & Grandpa took E outside on Saturday morning so that Mom could get the house ready to PAR-TAY!

(Not wanting to change her into her party dress too soon, we put her shoes over her sleep & play. No, she does not usually wear her pjs with shoes!)

Family friends of the McConnells, Holly and Adam, with their precious little boy Max.

Max is such an awesome little boy - so smart and polite! His daddy's in the Marines (Adam's served three tours in Iraq: kudos and thank you to their whole family!), and they're stationed nearby.

I wish I had snapped more pics of the decorations. Also, I was really bummed b/c I ordered one of those cute cupcake stands, and it got there on Saturday afternoon, after the party!! Oh well, everything was still really cute. These shots were before we had the balloons up.

E discovered the markers I had put out for the older kids... hahaha!

It's not a party til someone gets naked.

Happy birth day, Emma!

2009-04-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Emma’s first birthday. Experiencing my child’s birthday feels different than any birthday I’ve celebrated before.

My mother used to hang streamers from our doorframe for our birthdays. I remember only half-sleeping the night before my birthday, waiting to hear her hanging them. As I hung pink paper from Emma’s door last night, it hit me that on that night every year for at least the next 18 years, I would be hanging streamers from Emma’s door, to demonstrate to her that Mike and I honor her, to create and maintain a tradition that will speak to her of happiness and celebration. I am now the one responsible for holding the life, the memories - the joy, sadness, and even meaning - of another in my heart.

I am grateful for the opportunity to carry Emma’s memories. I commit my self to doing so with respect, sensitivity, and honesty. I will celebrate with her; I will grieve with her; I will be a witness to her life. I will be humble enough to learn from her, and I will strive to keep my heart open to receiving so that I can give to her from fullness.

Happy birth day, Emma!

ps pics to follow soon; her party is today, so I’ll post photos after that!

Emma's swing

2009-03-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

My Aunt Darlene bought Emma a swing for her first birthday (which is this Friday!). She loves it! This is a video of her first time trying it out. (and no, I'm not sure why I sound so weird when I say E's name...)

Yes!

2009-03-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Emma said "yes"!!! She said it during her bath and repeated it several times.
Also, for several weeks we've been trying to teach her to hold up her finger to show that she's one when we ask "how old are you/are you going to be?" Today she did it for the first time. Then she clapped. Haha! Good job, E!

Last weekend, my dad came to visit us. He had already shipped us Emma's birthday gift - this beautiful kid's table (ahem, that I picked out!) I was afraid that she might need a little time to grow into it, but she's already figured out sitting at her own size table. She even got off the chair herself!

I have more pics from the w/end with my dad, but they're not on this computer, so I'll have to put them up later.

I took these pics of Emma so you could see how she actually has a little bit of hair now! We love her little wet curls!

Hello. Mike. McConnell. Her expression with her eyes are exactly like Daddy's!

This is my favorite!

Emma playing with my scarf... again.

First time watching a shuttle taking off!

2009-03-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Anna! Emma says, "I love you!"

Hooray, Baby Nay

2009-03-11T01:22:00.000-07:00

Last year, as we were uncertain about what was going to work out with our jobs, etc., I really tried to be frugal about buying clothes for Emma. I mean, Emma has grandmas who love her to death, so it’s not exactly (or remotely) like she’s running around naked, but personally, I definitely didn’t buy boutique clothes or anything like that. Gap was my big splurge. Anyway, I’m starting to get good at finding bargains online, and I’ve discovered a baby clothing line that I adore: Baby Nay. I wish she made clothes in my size. They’re all fun, big, yet feminine prints. Even on sale, they’re not cheap, but my philosophy has always been that a few quality pieces can make a wardrobe. (Note here: I don’t think of $30-50 for a baby/toddler outfit as “cheap.” I know some people do. But how, I ask?? Maybe it’s because we live in CA and spend a ridiculous amount of money on housing, but I don’t understand how middle class families just starting out can drop $50 on an outfit. I’m just saying.)

2009-03-11T00:53:00.000-07:00

My aunt, who’s been in town a little over a week, is leaving tomorrow morning. We are going to be SO sad to see her go! There really aren’t enough words to describe how much it’s meant to me that she came to help out with Emma.

The last time I wrote, I talked about all the things I wanted to accomplish while she was here: cooking meals to stick in the freezer to make our dinner times easier; find a day care program where Emma could attend one day a week; and take stock of my self.

I failed to mention that I also had to get all the grading done for my online course. This is what took up most of the last 9 days, but thankfully I am all DONE!! And, blissfully, I will not be teaching next term. As I sit here typing this, I realize that this is the first time since November that I haven’t had something hanging over my head that I had to do in addition to being a work at home mother (stay at home? Please, whatever it is, it’s hardly “staying.”) It feels so wonderful!

As for the other goals: I have not had a big ‘cook day’, but I did check out this website on a recommendation from a friend: savingdinner.com. The idea is that you make meals that you can stick in the freezer to cook later. At savingdinner, you buy recipes that come with a grocery list and all the instructions for preparing the food for the freezer and then cooking at a later time. Also, you buy the recipes in bundles of five, ten, etc., so that you can prepare a bunch of meals at one time. I bought a bundle of five chicken recipes and a packet of soup, sides, and casserole recipes. These recipes are great! They even passed Mike’s high culinary standards. I’m super excited about the sides recipes, as I was getting really tired of brown rice all the time. So even though I didn’t manage to have a whole day of cooking, I’ve got a start, and I’m motivated about getting some meals in the freezer.

I didn’t make any progress on finding a day care, other than giving my contact details to a potential babysitter who’s a friend of a friend, but since I won’t be teaching for a couple of months, I have some more time to work on this one.

And taking stock. I’ve done that, too. Really, I’m always doing this. Seriously. If anything, sometimes I can become too introspective. Ok, so maybe when I said Take Stock, I really meant Get Enough Sleep So That I Feel Like A Coherent Being Again. Because that really skews your perspective, doesn’t it? Not getting enough rest makes you feel more irritable and more prone to feeling down. Or is that just me? For me, taking a nap or sleeping in is like catching my breath. It helps me feel like me.

Now I’m looking forward to the next few weeks and months of “just” being Mom. Which brings me to a different topic. Last night, I was folding and putting away our laundry. And I stopped and thought to myself, “I really don’t like doing this.”

There’s a lot to running a house that sometimes I don’t feel like I like doing. Sometimes it feels monotonous or tedious. And that’s ok. And what I’m about to say is NOT supposed to be understood as an endorsement of some sort of “grin and bear it” mantra, which I am DECIDEDLY against. However, I feel drawn to try to press into that feeling instead of running from it. What does the practice of managing a house have to teach me? What can I learn?

When I was pregnant and would tell people that I was planning on staying home with Emma, they would say things like, didn’t I think I would be bored, or they had heard of moms who felt like they were going crazy watching a kid all day. I get that; I really do. I think we should be honest about those feelings. Yet, for me, I also want to ask how much of that response is conditioned: what are the possible lies we believe about what work is valuable?

It may be that I really don’t like folding laundry, but, for some period of time, I want to learn from it. There’s a Buddhist saying, “Before I was enlightened, I chopped wood and carried water. After I became enlightened, I chopped wood and carried water.” I want to try to experience and weigh the value of THAT.

Interestingly, these thoughts came to me at the same time that I was thinking about how much the “simple” logistics of our lives influence us. Money does buy happiness! It’s not the only thing that does, and it’s not guaranteed to buy happiness, but of course money can make us feel better! I feel better sleeping on a nice bed in a larger apartment in a prettier neighborhood. Now if I’m sleeping on a nice bed next to a jackass, I might feel less good than sleeping on a crappy bed with a nice man, but still better than sleeping on a crappy bed next to a jackass.

I feel better, and I feel like I can be a better mom, when I’m rested. That takes resources, whether money to hire a sitter or my spouse’s time. Of course there are women and men who successfully fight like hell through horrible circumstances to be good parents, but it’s a lot easier when you have more resources. As I ponder this, I am acutely aware of the burden of all the women who have not had resources, who spent lives folding laundry and cooking meals and wiping counters and mopping floors in ways that were nothing but tiring. Who were exhausted in every way that it is possible to be exhausted.

So when I say I want to learn from laundry, I am ever-mindful of the women whose creativity was sapped by mind-numbing tasks. I am not spiritualizing or romanticizing drudgery.

But. That’s not my home. I am not those women. My home does not have to be the resting place for all of their grief.

So, for me, I want to try to be quiet and listen and learn from the laundry for the next few weeks.

What frees me to do this is living in a space where it’s ok to recognize and ask for what I need. It’s ok to say I want to learn from domesticity because if in the end I really don’t like domesticity, I have a partner who will help me figure out what I do like and how we can make that work for our family. Even more fundamentally, I know that I will be honest about what I do or don’t like and – here’s the tricky part – courageous enough to ask for what I want.

Muriel Rukeyser asked, “What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.”

I ask, “What would happen if one woman chose to need freely and to ask fearlessly?”

I don’t know the answer yet, but I will close with something I wrote when I was pregnant:

The wonderful thing about being pregnant is that it frees you to do exactly what you want to do and to need whatever it is that you need.
If, in the process of coming back with the day’s mail, I feel like I want to sit in the middle of the driveway we share with the neighboring apartments, because the blacktop attracts the sun, and it feels so good and warm when I pull my shirt up over my belly, and I can feel my cells lap up the light, then I do it. And I don’t duck my head, half-embarrassed at being caught, when someone begins to pull in the drive. I just move and wave.
It feels good to be alive, to need and want and desire. If we could only translate, in ‘real life’, that to need and want and desire is to celebrate life. That it is not a reason to be ashamed, but it is joyous.
I want. Yes, yes!
I need. Amen!
I desire. Hallelujah!

2009-03-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

One day this past week, I went in to get Emma after a nap, and she had a little tuft of hair that was messy and sticking up -- she finally has enough hair for it to be messed up, hooray!

E loves to play with clothes; she'll drag them around with her. Here, she's snagged my scarf.

Belly hangin' out.

At Harry's for lunch. Of course, one shoe is missing....

E looks SO much like Mike now. I rarely feel like I see myself in her anymore, but the below looks like a Christa face!

Now we all have messy hair!

At the Salk Institute (named after Jonas Salk, who invented the polio vaccine), where Mike works.

Is that view not amazing?!

2009-03-02T21:47:00.000-08:00

It's 10 on Monday night, and I really need to finish grading papers and putting the exam for my class online, but instead I'm surfing the internet and becoming outraged reading about the Toddlers and Tiaras show on TLC.

My Aunt Darlene flew in yesterday; she's staying with us for about ten days, to visit and to help with Emma as I wrap up the American Government online college class that I'm teaching -- and possibly get ready for another one to start in a couple of weeks. I am so, so thankful to have her visiting, especially since she's just spent a tiring time with my grandmother, who had surgery last week. Unfortunately, there were some complications and she's quite sick, but hopefully it will be better soon.

Anyway, I sat down and made a list of all the things I want to accomplish while my aunt is here. For example, I want to have a big cooking day when I plan our meals for the next month, shop, and prepare meals that I can freeze for later. This is something I want to get in the habit of doing every month or so, but it's a big project for me and hard to accomplish with a very curious almost-11-month-old walking around. I want to be more domestic like that; I want to excel at being a "good" mother, at nourishing the hearts and bodies of my family. I feel like there's probably some hang-ups intertwined in this otherwise worthy goal... Being a mother teaches you nothing if not that being "good" at mothering may not look exactly like you thought, that there is sometimes a gap between "ideal" and "real", that oh so much grace is needed to fill in those gaps.

But that being said, I do want to nourish. I want to nourish my self, so that I can be at peace, calm, rested, ready to give, to teach, to guide. I want to eat good food and be thankful that it strengthens my body and thankful for the hands that grew it and brought it to me. Mike and I were watching a cooking show recently (something I've grown to enjoy after marrying Mike!), and this chef held a tomato to the show's host and told him, "You need to listen to the tomato; what is the tomato telling you? It has things it wants to tell you from its heart, but you do not listen" (this is all much funnier when said with an accent, so imagine that). Although it was a liiittle over the top, I do want to be more mindful of the world around me, of what it has to say to me.

In turn, I want my daughter to be nourished, peaceful, calm, rested, ready to learn, to laugh, to enjoy.

I think part of that is being purposeful in and grateful for what I/we consume and how we treat our souls and bodies. So I'm mindful of this as I aim to better plan and prepare for our meals.

Another thing I want to do is find a daycare for Emma to attend one day a week or so. There's some backstory to this one. When we moved to San Diego, Mike asked a friend who had previously lived here for babysitting recommendations. She gave him the name of a woman, Flora, who runs a daycare from her home. We weren't looking for that, but I called her and asked if I could stop by and discuss if she might be willing to watch E on a more occassional basis or could give us other baby care recommendations. We ended up staying at her house for half an hour because Emma didn't want to leave! She loved playing with the new toys and was fascinated by the other children. Emma loves, loves, loves other kids. So, later that week I dropped Emma off at Flora's for an afternoon to see how it would go, and E seemed to enjoy it.

I was conflicted about daycare since Emma doesn't *have* to go, but it seemed to be a right step for her; I think she needs the interaction with other children.

Emma's entering a new stage. It's a stage that I call More People.

This is why: in his book Timequake, Kurt Vonnegut says that the reason that married people fight isn't because of sex or money or power. What they're really saying to each other when they argue is, "You're not enough people!" I've had a love-hate relationship with that idea ever since I first read it, since I am naturally an introspective person who gains energy from having less people around, not more. Additionally, I am torn between valuing the freedom of independence and the possible meaningfulness and comfort of community.

BUT, its truth hit home with me when my cousin Jessie was in town helping out when we first moved. Mike had to spend a week in Palo Alto while she was here. Now, Mike and I have long been frustrated that whenever we spend time apart, we inevitably get into an argument over the phone. It's not too surprising considering what intense things we've been going through the past couple of years (um, hello, pregnant woman trying to wrap up her entire life in London in a few weeks? Yeah, that made for some tearful, exhausted phone marathons). But we didn't argue at all when he was gone in January. Honestly, I think the reason was as simple as I didn't feel as overwhelmed as I had in previous situations. (Not to say that I've never had help before, but usually not when Mike and I have been apart! And having Jessie here wasn't the only thing that made me feel less stressed out, but it was a factor.)

When I first realized this, I felt bad, guilty that having someone else's help would make a noticeable difference, that I needed help. What did those brave pioneer women do when they gave birth, when they had to hoe a garden, make all the meals, and nurse a baby, all alone on the prairie and without even a Bjorn??

Well, I don't know what they did; all I know is what I and my family need. It turns out that sometimes we just need more people.

And it occurred to me that if we sometimes need more people, Emma might, too. It's important that she begin to experience the value of community.

Unfortunately, I've not been completely pleased with the current daycare; consequently, I've spent hours researching for a new place, but haven't found anything yet (most places want you to commit to at least two days/week. Why don't social groups here do weekly Moms Day Out like churches back east??). So that's on my to-do list.

The other major thing to-do is to take moments to Take Stock of my self. I feel like my head's just swinging back from whiplash. Like I said, it's been quite a ride the past couple of years! For the first time in almost twenty months, I feel like my body is my own again (well, sorta, I'm going to have permanent baby hip from jutting my left hip out at a weird angle as I carry my sidekick around the house...). Having some extra help frees up my thoughts to prepare for what I and we need for the future and to mentally process what I've grown into. The mother, instructor, wife, but-still-Christa me. What kind of goals do I want to set now that I am not just an individual, but a vital member of a family? What is important to me and needs to be part of my every day? What can wait til later?

I'll keep you posted on what I discover...

Happy Birthday Austin!!

2009-03-01T23:47:00.000-08:00

The sad thing about being away from our family is missing out on some important days.
Austin, Emma sends you this message:

Happy birthday! I love you!

We wish we were there to help you celebrate;
have a fantastic day!

Day at the park

2009-02-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

Uh, I think her new spring shoes are a little too big.

This bottle was nearly full of water -- baby girl's got some muscles!

Seals!

There were a bunch of mama and baby seals, too. Sweet!

She kept moving towards me as I was snapping the pic, so I didn't get all of her, but what a happy smile.

Helping Daddy. (Mom, that's the bike stand you bought Mike!)

In preparation for her first birthday, we're trying to teach Emma to show that she's "One!"

Apple pie

2009-02-28T20:50:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, we took a family mini-day trip to a small town near San Diego. You seriously could've mistaken Julian for a small town in KY. CA is so diverse. Upon our arrival, we decided to walk the main street to look at the shops, and we were promptly greeted by a Revolutionary War soldier. Nice touch. Emma wasn't that impressed, though. She was enchanted by this display of dogs. As I may have mentioned, Emma LOVES dogs. It's kinda difficult when we go to the park because she has to check out every dog that comes within a hundred yard radius.

At the pie company, mmm. Check out Emma's little belly hanging out of her vest, haha.

They even had Emma-size pastries, little hearts with cinnamon and sugar, yum!

"And my butler shall catch all my crumbs. Thank you, kind servant."

ps These shorts crack me up. When I bought them, I thought they were really cute, but I have to agree with Mike that they look like part of a Swiss Miss outfit! oh well. (And although they're up to 12 mos, I think E's grown considerably since I first bought them. They used to be below her knees!)

Little lady

2009-02-11T14:43:00.000-08:00

**Warning to Emma's grandma's and aunts: these pics might make you tear up a bit, or at least they do to me; she is getting so big!**

Emma had been given a goodie bag from one of her friends who had his two year birthday, and it had these sunglasses in it. We looked back and she had taken the glasses out and put them on top of her head! Of course, once I got the camera out, she took them off!

Walking with Daddy at the beach.

As Mike told her, "You're such a little lady!"

Sunday brunch at Harry's
"Hands-free!" We handed her a bottle, and this is what she did; her right hand was holding onto a cookie we'd given her, ha!

I put small pieces of pasta on her plate, and somehow one ended up on top of her head...

She doesn't look like a baby anymore!! And I know every mom thinks this, but sometimes I just stare at her because I can't believe how pretty she is. (Total Mike expression with her eyes and lips here, btw.)

Photos, finally

2009-02-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

I found my camera charger! Of course, I found it right after my dad sent us some money to buy a new one, go figure!

Here are some pics from a trip to the wild animal park, as well as some random ones from last night. I think Emma looks so cute in her jeans. Jeans don't really look right on babies until they can walk, I think...

At the monkey exhibit

With Daddy and cousin Jessie - I love that sweet expression on her face!

Emma is obsessed with the remote! She grabbed it while Daddy wasn't looking.

"I see my bowl, and I'm gonna go get it."

"Mmm, bowls taste good."

"I'm gonna put my bowl over here so you can't get it."

First gym class!

2009-02-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

One of the first things I did when we moved to Del Mar was check out the two YMCAs closest to us. I LOVED our Y in Palo Alto, not just for me, but for the child watch, where they took very good care of Emma and she got a chance to play with other children.

I couldn't decide which of the two Ys here I wanted to join until I saw that the La Jolla Y has...... gymnastics classes for babies!!! Ok, so even though it's called gymnastics, it's really age appropiate play/tumble time, but still really cool.

We got all ready this morning, and I had checked with Y twice the past week to confirm that Thurs. mornings are the classes for 6-12 month olds. Then, we got there, and it's the class for 1-3 year olds! Apparently they've discontinued the younger class! So, I was pretty perturbed, as that was the whole reason we joined that Y AND because, as you know mamas out there know, it takes a lot to get out the door early in the morning!

It turned out to be just fine, though. Emma is walking so well; she really held her own. I had been afraid that she would be stepping over the other 6-12 month olds. I didn't have to worry about that, but of course, I didn't want the bigger kids stepping on her, either! She's such a tough baby girl, though. Twice two boys ran into her and knocked her over. She just rolled over and got back up, no tears, not even fussiness. Her favorite thing was playing with the big balls, but she also crawled through one of the tunnels, and she liked the trampoline. In the video, you can see her trying to make it bounce.

I would have loved to get more footage, but obviously I didn't want to spend the whole time taping instead of playing with E! We had such a good time; she is so much fun to hang out with.

The Very Good Day

2009-02-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

I really need to get back into blogging. I've lost my camera charger, and we all know that the best part of this blog is the photos.

But today was a good day, and I wanted to record it regardless of the fact that there are no cute Emma photos.

Yesterday was not a good day. On Sunday night, Emma had a fever, which at one point reached 102.6 (bottom line so there's no suspense: she was ok). Thankfully, I was at the store at the time. I say thankfully because it meant that Mike was able to stick her in a bath and her temp had started coming down by the time that I got home, so no temptation for this mama to go into hyperpanic mode (which I would have tried very hard not to do, but removing the temptation is even better). Fortunately, Emma didn't seem to actually *feel* too bad, so we just kept on top of her temp with tylenol. We did call a doctor's hotline for advice, but since we weren't actually registered with a San Diego doctor yet, they couldn't tell us anything. Mike's and my frustration with the hotline at that point goes without saying... You don't want to rush into the (germ-infested!) ER if it's not necessary, but we also didn't want to ignore something that was potentially dangerous. Booooo, hotline.

So yesterday, Monday, I called to make Emma - and myself, as I'd been having earaches - a doctor's appointment. This took fooooorever. And about 80% of the staff I talked to during this process were real jerks. I mean, seriously. But the other 20% were so very nice and made me feel better, even though I still had a baby with a very runny nose. It's amazing how much better you feel just when someone is nice to you.

But the point is, we had been up all night with Emma, whose sleep was very restless, and Monday was one of those days where it's like I woke up on a treadmill and I spent the rest of the day just trying to keep up. I actually got E and myself ready for the doctor's on time, then I couldn't find my keys. I found my keys, then I got lost and it took me 35 minutes to get to the doctor, whose office is three miles from our house. Mike came home and I looked at him with wild eyes, "Feed me! I'm starving!" I ate three (three!) large pieces of BBQ chicken pizza. We put Emma to bed, except that she only slept in 15-minute spurts. This was eventually solved by us sleeping with her. All. Night. Long.

I hate that feeling, of always being behind; of wanting to eat everything in the house just to give me enough energy keep my eyes open.

Then today happened. Today was one of those days that gives me hope. Determined not to let the day get the better of me, I wanted to get OUT of the house with Emma in the morning. Whatever it took, whatever we did, we (I) just needed to get moving. We went to the park - a gorgeous green-grass-covered plot overlooking the ocean - and had a great time. Emma fell asleep on the way home and took an hour-and-a-half long nap. After lunch, I put her in the Bjorn while I chopped vegetables for dinner. We went to the bank to deposit a check, then went across the street to walk around at the outdoor mall. I made part of dinner, did laundry, and picked up the house while Emma took her afternoon nap.

Breathing in the success of today, I formed in my mind goals for these next few months as we settle into San Diego. Such as: every day, I want to do something outside with Emma, and every day I want to spend some time doing chores with Emma in the Bjorn or otherwise "helping." Despite the demands of my online class, I want to only have the computer on during Emma's nap times. These are things that I usually do, but in the crazyness of moving, some of them haven't happened as consistently as they normally would.

Tomorrow I might wake up and it's another "I'm just holding on until I can take a nap" kind of day. That will be ok, too. But here's to the days like today, the days when I feel like I am at peace with my life, with who I am, and with who I want to be.

Emma goes to the beach

2009-01-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

I've taken Emma down to the beach a couple of times so far. We only stay for about 15 minutes, as that's about the time she decides she wants to sit down in the sand and eat it. Once we get some proper beach gear - towels, shovels, pails, etc. - we'll go for longer periods.

As usual, when I first set her feet down on the sand, at the edge where the tide was coming in, she was still and observant. Emma likes to observe things first, not in a timid way, but just to get a sense of what's up.
Then, she started charging for the waves! And she wanted to pick up the rocks brought in by the tide and eat them. And you know, I let her. The big ones that she couldn't actually fit in her mouth, of course. When she was a little bitty baby, we were cautious about germs, but now that she's got an immune system on her, eh, I just have bigger battles to fight.

My cousin Jessie with Emma.

I love this one. I think a rock we were holding got swept away.

Catch up and the zoo

2009-01-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ahh, so it's been a long time since I've written. A lot has happened. I feel that I should go back and tell you all about Emma's first Christmas, but then it would be like another month before I felt up to going through the Cmas photos, cataloging all her gifts, etc. etc. So the following is going to have to suffice, at least for now.

What I've done since I last wrote:

We packed our Palo Alto apartment into the moving truck. Actually called a pod and not a truck at all, but if you say pod no one knows what you're talking about, so moving truck it is.
In the process of packing, I had a minor meltdown one Friday when I thought I would rather cut off my thumb then have to endure the two weeks of insanity before Christmas. We got through it. Thumb intact.

I was also in the thick of developing my online college course.

I really enjoy teaching.

I'm glad to have some extra money, but it isn't much. I calculated the amount of hours I've put in, and I think I'm making more than minimum wage, but less than the new cashier at In-and-Out (the aaaamazing CA burger joint).

Mike's family was really wonderful about keeping Emma in the mornings while we were at their house. Thank you, Rita!

I slept until noon several days Christmas week. Maybe most.

I also stayed up until 4am to do something (develop course) other than nursing for the first time in ages.

Hence sleeping til noon.

Well, that and the fact that I have 9 months of sleep deprivation to overcome.

Spent NYE in DC with some girlfriends from London. Loved. It.
But don't want to spend time away from Emma again any time in the near future.

While in DC, kept feeling like I was forgetting something. Realized I didn't have Emma on my hip.

My sister had a baby!!!!!! Sophia Grace Quesenberry.

E and I flew to FL to see them. At 6 lb, 13 oz, she was the teeniest baby I had ever seen in real life. I love her dearly.

Mike flew to CA to get our house ready.

While we were in FL, my grandfather collapsed. Life-flighted to hospital where he underwent an 8 hour surgery. He is recovering so well, might even go home tomorrow.

The guy is 78 years old, just had surgery on his heart, and when the nurse asked him the routine question, "Do you live by yourself or with someone?", he replied, "I have a wife, but she's at Wal-Mart most of the time." HA! (He's not senile, he was joking.)

Emma and I came home.

I feel like I could sleep for five million years, I am so tired.
Sometimes I feel guilty or abnormal that this is how I feel 9 months after having a baby.

But I give grace, love, and space to the me that feels like she could sleep five million years anyway. She's done a lot lately.

As one of my friends in DC remarked after hearing Mike's and my story, "Wow. Well, you guys have got all the hard stuff out of the way already, huh?"
Yes, and coming to San Diego feels like a blessing. A chance to rest. If you can't feel better in this gorgeous, blue sky in the afternoon, deliciously foggy mornings, the best you've ever tasted, melt in your mouth, hot from the oven tortillas place, you can't feel better anywhere.

My cousin Jessie is (cue Hallelujah Chorus) flying in tomorrow to stay for two weeks as a 'helper' to me. I'm so relieved. Don't worry, we will also let her out to enjoy this beautiful city.

Alright, and now photos from our first trip to the San Diego Zoo.

Looking at a koala bear

Fish
I love this one! I think they were just walking, not at an exhibit. Emma seemed to enjoy people-watching the most!

Emma paid attention whenever she saw running water, especially waterfalls.

Emma acted excited like she wanted to see this gorilla up close, but once Mike took her there, she didn't seem so sure...

Haha.

We have room on our back patio for Mike's hammock -- yay!!

For my nephew Austin, who loves the elf dance...

2008-12-27T14:35:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

High chair recommendations?

2008-12-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

By the way, when we move to our new place, I'd like to get Emma a new high chair, as she's definitely outgrowing her bumbo seat (i.e., she likes to crawl out of it), and we'd like her to start eating like a real big girl baby! If you have any recommendations, pls pass them along!