As I mentioned the last time I wrote, my time to blog has been eaten up by
My Real Column at Examiner.com. I still think about blogging, though, and often, when I have an epiphany or frustration about mothering or life in general, I muse, "That should go in the blog." At this point, I have quite a mental backlog of blog entries.
And time is, mainly, what I want to write about in this entry.
When Emma was very little, say the first three months, I did nothing but her. I didn't answer emails, I didn't push my self to go out, I just did Emma. I am SO glad that was my focus. I wouldn't want to have a baby any other way. I am immensely grateful that E was born in a time and place where that was possible.
The more E grew, the bigger both of our worlds became. Now, as she is 20 months (what?!), it serves neither her nor me for her to be my only focus.
But finding the balance of focusing on Emma and exploring my own interests is very difficult.
Even as I write this, I realize that part of the difficulty is that managing our home is, in my mind at least, wrapped up with caring for E. Cycling laundry through at a reasonable rate, cleaning floors and bathrooms, organizing closets and toys, all of these are things I want to do so that E feels comfortable and at ease in our home, and learns to respect both possessions and her self. (“I deserve to live in a pleasant, clean environment. I am responsible for making a positive contribution to maintain and nurture that environment.”)
But you know what, I really hate doing the laundry. I’ve talked about this before, and I know I was all Zen and “I want to learn from my laundry”, but I still find it incredibly boring and tedious.
I’m currently reading a book,
The Feminine Mystique, by Betty Friedan, which is a seminal work often credited with beginning the second wave of feminism. Actually, I’ve been reading it for about three months. Like I said, I’m short on time. Anyway, Friedan puts forth the idea that the liberation of white women was made possible by the servitude of brown women, i.e., the women of non-white ethnicity who came in as nannies and maids while the white, educated, liberal women went to work. (I can’t remember if this is Friedan’s idea or she’s citing someone else, and I can’t find the book, which I think I left at the salon. Hmm, leaving my feminist book at the hair salon; isn’t that a metaphor.)
While I don’t know all the supporting statistics, in theory this makes sense, although I think there must have been at least an equal amount of white, liberal (in the sense of moving into non-traditional roles) women who simply took on more work.
The point is, someone has to do the laundry.
Last month, Mike and I decided to take E out of the daycare that she attended one day a week because of some concerns we had about the attentiveness of one of the staff members. As we anticipate the new year with less freelance work than I’d like coming in, we’ve decided to keep her out of daycare in an effort to conserve our funds. This leaves me even less time to do the laundry and, more importantly, less time for my introvert self to recharge my batteries with alone time and to adequately research to write my Examiner column that, however modest a medium, I still want to do well.
On the other hand, necessity is the mother of invention, and I’ve begun taking advantage of the lovely patio of the YMCA coffee shop to sit and read articles and books in research for the Examiner column, while E has fun at the Y play care. (Why didn’t I think of that before??) I’ve also begun downloading news podcasts onto my iPod, so I can catch up on news while taking E for a walk in the stroller.
Additionally, I keep in mind something Mike has repeated to me several times: “All families look different. We’ll find a way to make it work”, an assurance that there is always a way to make our family fit all of its members’ most important needs. This weekend, he helped with E while I ran errands, caught up on some sleep, and researched in preparation for a phone interview this evening.
So I’m not in despair, but I do still feel guilty knowing that at least once tomorrow my mind will be elsewhere when E is pulling on my leg. I make a conscious effort to be present with her, to bend down and look in her eyes when she indicates she needs my attention. I don’t always succeed.
I make an effort to close the computer – with its constant beckoning of news and emails – when she is awake, but then I am haunted by the knowledge (or perception?) that to be truly successful in writing about the things I want to write about, I need to stay on top of current events and be accessible to colleagues.
As we negotiate my work and Emma, I watch her to see if/how she is affected. This I know: that I have made it a priority to be available to her. Nothing matters as much as her having the attention that she needs. At the same time, I want her to see a happy, fulfilled mother. I have to take my need for engagement seriously, so that she’ll take her needs seriously, too.
As for laundry, I do still believe it has something to teach me. It must. I will not try to cover up that I find it achingly monotonous, but I will keep going back to the saying: “Before I became enlightened, I chopped wood and carried water. After I became enlightened, I chopped wood and carried water.” Tomorrow when I’m putting away the load that is right now in the dryer, I may not feel so positive about it. But I’ll keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to some kernel of enlightenment. I’ll let you know how it goes.
She looks so grown up!!
E in her party dress; on our way to Hugh & Katrina's to celebrate Katrina defending for her PhD.
This is a view from UCSD graduate housing (where Katrina lives). Craziness, huh?! Yeah, that's the Pacific, not just sky. Sometimes it's hard to tell; they melt into each other.
